Madhat Musicianry.

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Throughout these past few wild and beautiful weeks, I have learned some important things. These weeks have been absolutely insane-like trying to run straight forward after your nephew wrecks the world of your boyfriend and you on the tilt a whirl ride at Navy Pier insane. Each day has been busy, a whole new set of little bitty hiccups along for the ride in this episode of Hannah’s Life. Gratefully so, quiet time and long car rides have given me time to digest all that has happened and changed so drastically. A penny for my thoughts they say…


 

>> What even is beautiful?

Serving as a missionary in Romania changed a lot of things within my life and my heart. One of the most significant changes is found in my overall self image. Just as any other young woman, I used to spend way too much time obsessing over the way I looked. I was guilty as charged in wasting a lot of money on my outward appearance. I was absolutely obsessed with shopping for new clothes, accessories and especially shoes. I changed my hair color a tremendous amount of times from the spring of eighth grade on. I got my nails done up all fancy all the time. There came to a point where I felt my confidence depend on whether or not I was ‘put together’ for the day. People would always always always reiterate to me that I was so beautiful and so natural. When in all reality, I couldn’t feel further from that truth.

From July 2k15 on, I had a REALLY hard time with what beautiful was ‘supposed’ to be. I talked to an enormous amount of women about their own experiences with this area of femininity. Everyone has repeatedly encouraged me to continue on with outward adornment-so long as I don’t feel it is Needed in order for me to feel beautiful. It just didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me though. I looked at my boyfriend, and I think he’s beautiful. Actually, I think he is just the most studliest handsome schmexy fox that I’ve ever laid eyes on, but you know, semantics. 😉 He doesn’t wear makeup, dye his hair, obsess about the clothes he wears [unless it’s camo/blaze orange]…and I still find him absolutely breath taking everytime I look his way. I look at him a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Whenever he isn’t looking at me, I stare at the features of his adorable face. The curvatures in his hand movements. The way he raises his eyebrows when he smiles, just like I do. I see all of these things, and I think they’re beautiful. So why would I think I need all of these ridiculous worldly things in order for me to be beautiful too?

Exactly, I don’t. So I stopped. For a long time, I stopped wearing any makeup all together. I stopped dying my hair at all. I stopped shopping for anything except groceries and boyfriend trinkets. And I’m so content with that, but I wasn’t at first. I was shocked at how much I compared myself to others, everything about others. I’d complain to my boyfriend about indecision on makeup and hair dye, and what it all means. Being his supportive self, he’d try his best to hone in on the wondrous mind of a confused woman. Nowadays, I am slowly finding the balance of both worlds. I put on makeup when I specially get ready, but that doesn’t happen everyday. I still, and forever hope to, find comfort in my own natural beauty just as God made me. I haven’t and won’t dye my hair, but it’s still nice to know I can make that decision based on my own discernment.


 

>>The heart wants what it wants.

My mother calls me her tattooed gypsy daughter. I am infamous within my family and friends group for moving around a lot. I do move around more than the average bear; but I almost never share the intimate details with anyone why I put myself exactly where I do. The truth of the matter, is that I follow my heart and what I feel called to do. Back in the good ‘ol days, I was a little more irrational in my life choices. I would make snap decisions, or peripheral plans as my Persuasion Comm Professor would say [I really like Comm Studies, nerdy]. At that point, I never argued back when people were beyond shocked with the ‘new scandal of Hannah’s life changing event.’ Coming up to recent however, I am not nearly as impulsive as I once was. From the outside, my decisions probably do seem irrational and sudden. But that’s mainly because I keep about 98% of the world on the outside of my own private world-for very good reason.

What the 98% don’t know, is that I put a lot of thought into the decisions of my life. I take my time, actually way too much time, overanalyzing options. I make list after list, and think of every possible scenario that could play out. I pray beyond belief, knowing that ultimately God’s plan will pull heavy rank over any of my own. And then finally, I either act or I don’t. This time, I acted. I followed my heart, jumped off that cliff, and leapt in faith knowing full well God would catch me. This tattooed gypsy is at it again, figuring out the next adventure life has to throw at me, one day at a time.


 

>>The past passed away, rest in pieces.

When faced with thoughts of the past, you WILL get just as sick to your stomach as you did while you lived through it. The good part? You had a choice then, you acted on that choice then, and you have a choice now. Now, you can choose not to care about the ‘talk’ that people will absolutely do behind your back. You can choose joy, happiness and humility in the name of the Lord. You get to choose to be thankful for all of the amazing and life changing blessings that have been bestowed upon you. You get to continue doing what you’ve been doing; living your life for Jesus alone, and doing the best you can for yourself. You don’t have to answer to anyone but God, Himself. And if anyone tries to make you feel otherwise, tell them to have a convo with the one who loved you enough to put you exactly where you are. Long ago, you left the past and joined in a new realm of meaning for your life. So snap off the rearview mirror and drive on beautiful. That past is someone else’s mistake to learn now.

Dueces, applejuices.

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Consciously Aware.

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One week down, fifty one to go. There have been quite a few things I’ve learned already in just my first week of the great twenty.

_one.

I have let myself not trust, because of manipulative people. I heavily am affected negatively by the things others have pushed into my life. Cycles of pain that have seemed endless. Instead of trusting, my mind goes into a terrible cycle of overthinking. I assume that nothing good will work out, that it can’t ever work out for me. I assume that because two people have had such terrible affects on me, that there really isn’t someone amazing out there for me. I assume that people only lie, that they don’t know how to truly treat me right-and that just maybe, that’s my own fault. We accept the love we think we deserve, right?

__two.

I have learned to push my heart to prayer more. This is the thing I’m most excited about from this week. Something that I deeply crave for my relationship with Christ, is to have a stronger prayer life. I seek out to be the Prayer Warrior He desires from me. In any moment, good, bad, ugly, worse, I’ve learned to instinctually pray. No matter the length, no matter the reason, just to silence my frantic heart and pray to God. Let Him know that always, He is the first thing on my mind. That within everything I am experiencing, I know He’s seen it. That He’s allowed it into my life for a purpose. I know that those gut feelings I get, those are from the Holy Spirit. I know to pay attention to that, and to not just brush it off like it’s all in my mind. Am I going to really shy away from an opportunity to answer God’s will within my life?

___three.

Patience is simply key. I don’t have patience when it comes to certain things in my life. I don’t have patience when it comes to certain people. I don’t have it when I’m exhausted and acting selfish. As if I’m the only emotionally, physically, and mentally drained college final bound student out there. Likely.  I don’t have patience and it makes me turn into a version of myself that I don’t care to see. Definitely something to take notice of, and remind myself of looking forward.

____four. 

Relationship and communication are both gravely important to me. I am reading and learning a lot about how our childhoods shape us, especially women. Me. Especially women who were sexually abused. Ding ding ding. As a young girl, you want to be told and assured of all of the questions in your heart. To be told how loved and adored you are. When you’re not told this, it can be absolutely devastating to your spirit. When you’re told this in the complete wrong way, it is more than soul snatching. So forever, you will seek relationship, in the most pure and loving form. You will look for the love and tender care you never received. Same thing with communication. When you grow up around a family that doesn’t communicate their deepest thoughts, opinions, life desires, you want that. You want within your life the things you thought you could never have. You thought it was normal to go on without them. You never knew anything other than the ‘norm’ around you. Then one day you wake up and your perspective and expectations change. You see the other side, what life could be like. And your beautiful, yet devastatingly impatient heart, will not settle for anything but the best.

Being twenty, feels almost not a drop different than being nineteen. The difference, is that I’m bound and darn near determined to make it different. Twenty is going to treat me right. Whether it wants to or not. Whether I have to bend over backwards to make it. Whether I have to completely alter and transform my life. Twenty, is going to be so much more different. Twenty, is about God first, and then me second.

[April24-May1]

“The LORD your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” -Zephaniah 3:17

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