Wednesday’s Were Always My Favorite.

Standard

Is it true that all writers are depressed? All musicians? All artists? All photographers? You know, all of the people in a very creative outlet…I mean it makes sense. The places in my life that have been the most difficult on my heart and emotions have led to some pretty kick butt blogs. Even the snippets of thought that run continuously through my mind sound better after a struggle. Not really sure what that’s about.

I think I made a smart decision last night, leading into just a few moments ago.

Naturally, the largest of my life choices revolve around writing and words. For a while, I’ve known that I’ve loved writing. That I’ve found a passion in it that I can’t obtain in a lot of areas. Last year, my writing was at a huge peak. I started this blog, and wrote my way through all of the pains I was buried under. My words had power, as they were derived from very dark places other people don’t know how to paraphrase. Last year I was still a very, very damaged and scarred young woman. I had a lot to write about, even when I didn’t know I did.

Sometime throughout the transition into this year, all of that seemed to have ceased within me. I became happy. My boyfriend and I got really serious in our relationship, and continue to do so. I made an ambition decision to move in with my brother and sister, and their adorable baby girl. I transferred schools back to a place that once was the very root of the damaged heart I just talked about. I threw myself into numerous job interviews, accepting my first job at a hospital. I have grown more in my faith and as a woman.

For the first time in a long time, I didn’t have that hard hurt to mask my true heart anymore. That’s actually way more terrifying than it sounds. Such a long time had passed that the hurt had defined me. During that rough period of my life, I was no longer the woman that got up just to see the sun shine. I was the woman that only liked the dark, because the darkness was what had become of my heart. But now, I’m slowly finding my way back to that sunny girl. I’m continuously reminded that I don’t have to be insecure, and that I have every right to be confident in so many aspects. I’m remembering that there’s a time and place in my life for the darkness, and the end of that era is over. It’s almost like I have to remind myself often that the light is here, inside of me, and it’s there for a reason; and to not let the darkness consume me. Not today, not for the next hour, and not for the next few minutes.

I don’t really know what exactly it is that continues to try pulling my heart back towards the lost years emotion. It could be a number of things, and it could be the huge factor of one small aspect. I’m not a psychologist, I’m not a doctor of sorts, I’m just a girl. I’m just me and you would think that after almost twenty one years of me, I’d know me well. I know me well enough to know that something is off, somewhere deep inside.

But, it doesn’t have to be. I don’t have to let one ounce of sadness control me. I don’t have to take things that I’m allowed to be less than enthused about, and let them ruin days. I can choose to be Happy Hannah. I can choose to be optimistic, smiley, bubbly. I don’t have to think that I am less anyone else based on things they choose to share online. I don’t have to talk myself into thinking that I’m not doing enough. I have the ability to be exactly who I am, and endlessly work to transform myself into being exactly who God calls me to be.

Everyday, I may not have faith in my abilities. But I have in God’s.

Today, my faith shines through brighter.

acdbb17994a9aaf6640fd50f2a956a71

2.17.16.

Advertisements

Embrace.

Standard

Lately, my heart has been in a consistent season of change. I moved back home and in with my parents, I’ve been healing over a very serious and long relationship, I transferred schools…tons of drastic change. For about a year, various things I thought had been on track in my life have taken a plot twist. When I graduated from high school two years ago, I never would have pictured myself where I am right now in my life. I didn’t expect to transfer to two different colleges. I didn’t expect to EVER move back home. I didn’t expect to go through massive amounts of heartache. But I did it. And all of it, among so much else, is now woven into the story lines that make up my life.

Once in a while I catch myself thinking about how much things have shifted for me. I think about how much things have changed around me. And I especially think about how much things have changed within me. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I never transferred out of Madison, if I never let myself fall in love, if I never went through the battle of this life. But if I hadn’t, where would my scars come from instead?

Being in such a season of change literally blows my mind. I feel like I haven’t stood still in such a long time. Is it bad that I kind of like it? Becausedo. I have found through all of this change that just about all the time, nobody will understand what seems to be going on in your life. The beauty of it? They don’t have to, and you don’t have to either. It’s not important for me worry about the mindset of others, because then it takes away from the praise in my heart for Jesus Christ.

I’m starting to be witness to some traits within myself that are nothing like the young woman I used to be.

HBC [Hannah Before Christ]

_I was selfish. I wanted whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it. I wanted things to go perfectly smoothly all the time. I was hardworking, but striving towards things that only mattered to me. I didn’t always consider how my actions impacted those around me.

_I was insecure. I was so insecure that my insecurities held their own insecurities. I was constantly aware of how beautiful everyone around me was, and how much I lacked that. I was constantly in awe of the amazing traits everyone else held. I saw nothing worthy or great within myself.

_I was attention seeking. I didn’t want someone’s attention for long. I sought it out to fill some kind of sick void. Knowing someone else thought I was cute, funny, interesting. It was the high I needed to get me along until the next compliment came along. It was twisted.

_I was damaged goods. I allowed the ways others had shattered my life to effect everything I did. I made sure I remembered all of the hurts I felt. I figured if others could hurt me so deeply and keep on with themselves, I must not be worth too much.

_I was wrong!

66446_10150094663833012_131968_n

HSC [Hannah Since Christ]

_I am free from all of my baggage. My past will always be my past, and my sins my own. But none of it will ever matter when I know Christ is the holder of my heart. Each new day that passes is a struggle to learn selflessness. No, it’s not easy-but most things aren’t. It’s a learning process just as anything else. A beautiful one at that.

_I am beautiful in God’s image. I will never need to be anyone other than the woman I am. God didn’t make a mistake when He made me. He didn’t make a mistake by making my blue eyes turn green when I cry. He didn’t make a mistake when He made my brown eyebrows unique to my golden blonde hair. He didn’t make a mistake when He made my extra sensitive and tender heart. He made me exactly who I am supposed to be. It’s my beautiful journey to find out just who that is to Him, and what that means to me.

_I seek the love of my Heavenly Father. I don’t have too far to look. Everywhere I turn, I see a new way in which God’s love completely encompasses my heart. Each quiet time I take, I am drawn closer to Him than the hour and a half before. Just thinking about how much love the Lord holds for me gives my whole body goose pimples. Without it, I am not me.

_I am redeemed. Could there possibly be something more breathtaking in this world? I will never have to go back to seeing myself so shattered. I will never have to wonder if I’ll make it through to the end of this wild journey. I am taken over by the grace I have been given. I am forgiven, I am free, I am transformed.

Each new passing day, my life is changing-and I simply cannot apologize for that. I shout praises of thanksgiving to my Lord of Lords! I cry out to Him to keep working within me. Removing the parts of me that hurt Him and dishonor Him, and filling me with the beauty He encompasses.

10006320_10152761505668012_3617573256747182673_n

Metamorphosis.

Standard

For the longest time, I was a completely lost soul. Until about a year ago, I had no idea of anything about myself. I didn’t know myself, I didn’t like myself, and I surely didn’t truly love myself. I was lost in this crazy life, and I constantly let the world inside my own mind. I was insecure, I put my heart and hopes into things and people of this world that were sure to let me down. Getting baptized, finding my faith, and surrendering my heart to the Lord set me free from the things of this world.


No Christian will ever tell you that walking through your faith is easy, because it absolutely is not. Coming into it, you’re crawling. Most of us, or speaking solely for myself, found God when we were on our knees begging for something that we didn’t even know how to ask for. Crying out to be helped, healed, made whole in a way that would never leave us empty or damaged a second longer.

Looking up while the tears stream down, Jesus lifts you up off the ground. Look at you, you’re standing now! He tells you it will all be okay and that the better days are ahead of you. You choose to believe it because it sounds nice, hearing that it will all be alright. Truly accepting it, and understanding it, that’s going to take so much more effort and strive.

Slowly but surely, you start to walk. You start to pick up your bible more because you like the way the Word sounds over the world. Do you fully understand it? Of course not. Can you reach out to others to seek guidance in your knowledge and wisdom to gain? A simple satisfaction that will last you an eternity.

Once you get comfortable at your pace you’re pushed out of the nest. You have a choice to make as always. You can soar on your beautifully crafted wings, or you don’t. But the beauty in falling, I’ve learned, is that you know Jesus is there to take hold of your heart before it even comes close to the ground. So now you fly. You fly and you’re out there so gentle on top of the clouds-almost as if nothing could ever bring you down. Sadly that won’t last forever, not now anyways, not in this lifetime.

The enemy sees now a slight inclination of how much you love our Lord, our God. And he does not like it. He is insecure, and he is intimidated, and then you realize. It hits you that all of the feelings you felt as the person you were before you begged God into your heart, those feelings were not yours. Those feelings were not of God, they were not of the bliss and peace that His presence captivates your life with. You realize that none of that was you, but simply forces of evil trying to desperately and pathetically to keep you from your One True Love. Our Lord and Savior.

The sad part is that sometimes it works. Whether we deny it, accept it, admit it, or manipulate the thought of it, it happens. The enemy of our Christ seeking hearts is keen in understanding the deceit of this world. As we live our lives out, our flesh will sometimes take over. We will fall into temptations, fall into traps, we will fall into pits of our lives we may never understand. A promise any Christian can make to you is that God will prevail, always and forever. There is no one higher, stronger, or kinder than the Lord, himself.

Just as any other, I have lived out the highest and lowest points of my life. Each holding its own meaning and purpose to fulfill a portion of my life individually. While nobody is going to necessarily enjoy the rough days, weeks, months-they are crucial to me. It’s in those reality shaking times that I cling closest to my Heavenly Father. It’s within the darkest moments of myself that I peel another dark portion of myself away and let the light pour through my life, my heart. And the shy, unappealing caterpillar reveals the serenely exquisite butterfly she was hiding away inside the entire time.

Becoming a butterfly is like nothing else. You’re finally free. You can be yourself. You can honor who you are in your faith. You can breath easy. When you finally transform, there’s no going back. You continuously push forward, one day at a time, endlessly doing the best that you’re capable of. The crazy thing is, is that sometimes after you break out of your shell, you don’t even remember the caterpillar that used to encapsulate your life. You can’t identify what it was like to be her, and why would you want to? You are forever changed, you are made brand new, and you are beautiful.


I used to cry out to God ceaselessly. I used to beg for change, beg for understanding, beg for all of the wrong things. I took comfort in familiarity. I was among the loneliest and most terrified of all caterpillars. Did I even want to be a butterfly? I had no idea. My last year has proven to me that the transformation is only the beginning. Yes, of course I wanted to be made new. I wanted to be beautiful and cleansed and honorable again. I became quite aware of just the beginning of my Lord’s capabilities.

Through perpetually seeking out the love of the King of Kings, I learned the truth about love. I learned about loving myself. What beauty there is in that. I started craving the love that can only be sought out from God. Yes, worldly love is nice and we think it satisfies. But dig a little bit beneath the surface and you’ll see it too. God. Yourself. Others. Without seeking the love in your life in that order, you won’t see love. I’ve been blessed. I’ve been transformed and am continually worked on every new day that passes. The difference is that I can now love myself through it, with the guidance of my God.

I often think of each moment in the past I’ve really loved myself. I reflect on them often and take them with me as I ask God to soar forward with me on His chivalrous arm.

Love yourself, because Jesus sure does.

IMG_1119

379753_10152025143438712_469738616_n1660266_10152690086398012_1377482978_n10151889_10203579880922378_49204717251149269_n 10152436_10152793568683012_4310387467645382854_n 10407464_10152905765023012_9153619985390659420_n IMG_0057 IMG_0080 IMG_0070IMG_0431 2 IMG_0475IMG_1088 IMG_1002 IMG_1015