Allure in the Anguish.

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She is shattered, she’s torn, a heart without mending

No sense to be made, just torment unending

Skin burns at the surface, her sins sit and fester

Stays calm and collect, you continue to test her


Is she changed and made new can you see where she’s bruised?

Look close enough dear she has scars from you too

She’ll let you get closer than many before

Her heart cold as ice numbing straight to your core


You tell her she’s beauty but she doesn’t know

Looking in through your eyes what more could you show

Peculiar a woman not really her own

Insanity lingers to be fully known


Watch her hold it together while dying inside

Back alley stitches fresh scars will soon hide

Withers apart but you still see that smile

Painfully faking the bliss for a while


Her heart lurking silent, a venus fly trap

Too close to her truth, armed and ready to snap

Loving you truly, intriguing and deep

Charisma and charm keeps you swept off your feet


Hope’s reeling inside you majestic and true

The life you desire she can’t dare to give you

You look in her eyes seeing things you may need

They crack at the seams overflowing with greed


Save yourself now no matter her gaze

Get out while you can as her soul starts to blaze

Moment draws near all hope lost heart to steal

You’re writhing in pain as she spots her next meal.

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Equip of the Willing, Heart of the Able.

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Have you ever seen a counselor? I have, on and off for probably around fifteen years. Not a lot of people know that about me. These counselors talk a lot about how you have points of impact in your days. Points of your life that deeply change you. That halt you in your tracks and reshape your destination. Moments that change your mind about everything you thought you knew and your point of view altogether. I think a lot about those seconds in time in my own life. I think there were too many points of impact for me to think about. Which one was it, which one shattered me way back when? Do our points of impact show up in the form of someone else? Was it any of you? Multiple villains that tore apart my life for such similar and yet distinctive reasonings? Was it something I did? Brought on by the dark and distorted woman I fell to becoming? I’m continuously curious. I’ve endured many of these points in my few days. So many terrible, horrible, gut wrenching points of impact that should have broken me long before the last.

I’ve been told many times that there’s something bigger to my story, to who I am and the things that I’ve been through. Whenever people say this kind of thing to me, I get all wrapped up within my own imagination. For a few seconds, I let myself think this could be a reality. That maybe someday, the Lord could have me sharing all of the deep, dark, and intimate details of the hells I’ve trudged through here on this side of heaven. That through all of the soul scorching struggles I have endured, and overcome through the Lord alone, someone else could understand. The idea that I could meet some other woman or man where they’re at, and show them what the Lord has shown me. It’s surreal. It would be the utmost honor.

Part of me feels this, while the other part pulls in the opposite direction. I have a great understanding that this is a world pouring out over the brim with these stories of painful lives. While I haven’t heard even the smallest amount of the ones that are out there, I think about them. I hear other peoples’ stories, I think about my own, and I think about the stories that are still not laid upon my ears, upon my heart. I know the importance of having my story be heard by people. Just as I know I need to hear the deepest wounds from the hearts of others. I long to be able to cry with them, mourn with these broken hearts over the sinful natures of our earthly home. I can’t help but feel though, that my story is too deep for some people. That if I truly and fully disclosed all of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions I’ve gone through within my own experiences, people would pull away in fear. Why wouldn’t they? It’s some deadening stuff….painfully miserable darkness.

I went through my share of depressing days-leaning on mentally, emotionally, and physically degrading of self. Sadly, they lasted far too long than should have ever began. But for a while now, I’ve been taking act in better ways to cope with the curveballs life and the enemy throw my way. For years, I’ve been an on and off runner. Loving it certain days, hating it the next-unable to fully decide where I stand. Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of running. A lot, a lot. And it makes my heart so beyond blessed. For a half a year I thought about doing a half marathon. Back then, up until a month and a half ago, the thought of running thirteen.one miles made me just as exhausted as I get from saying that. I always classified myself as a ‘lower category of runners.’ One that doesn’t fit in the ‘half marathon-able group.’ But why is that? Why would there even be these made up categories in my mind? Do I honestly think God puts these barriers on my capabilities as a person, as a woman made in His image? Heck no!

So I’m training! And I’m doing it! And I won’t give up, even when it gets hard.

Though when I started training, I thought there wouldn’t be a wall. I thought I’d just keep running on the daily, lowering my times while building up my miles. Then this Tuesday, I got sick. I felt absolutely horrid. Just ridiculous brain clogging, a terrible sore throat, and the most zombified exhaustion of the body I’ve had in a really long time.

I was clearly in no capable position to go out and run many a miles. So I had two days off in a row. During those two days, I tried everything in my powers, and those of the Higher dependency, to get back to normal. Yesterday, I wasn’t feeling even closely back to my normal self. But, I wasn’t dying. So I made myself get up and get out, pushing forward. I ran four miles. A route that should have literally felt like absolutely nothing after the ridiculous amount of running my body has graciously let me accomplish lately. After my miles were up, I was thoroughly peeved. I was so ashamed in myself. Realizing how far my training had fallen in just two days, all because I was sick. I guess I just left it at that.

Then today, I pushed myself a little harder. I prayed a little harder while I stretched before I headed out. I knew I was feeling slightly better, and that was enough for me to mentally trudge forward-halfway willing. Yet again, my body was more than exhausted within the first mile and a half. It just didn’t make any sense to me. It felt like my body didn’t even know what it was doing. Like I was running down the sidewalk, probably looking like the strangest dangling noodle flailing down the street. My mind could only imagine the crazy I looked to those poor bystanders on the streets. But crazy flailing noodle or not, I did my run anyways. I pushed myself to continue on anyways. Because it’s important to me. And knowing it’s important to me, I know it’s important to God too. 

So, mile four hit. Finally. Literally ready to drop to the side of Elmwood and Vine, not a care in the world. However, I didn’t do that. I started walking, ready to cool down before heading home. I took my arm band off to end my workout on Nike. And then I heard this song I have, something I’ve never heard before. It caught my attention as a foreign song on my running playlist-kind of like a spoken word art. Almost instantly, my body was just covered in chills. Goosebumps crawled over every single part of me. The words that powered heavily into my headphones were weighing so heavily on my heart, and I knew right away I had to keep running. So I did, I ran to the rest of this song, completely ignorant to the pain my body was in. As I ran, I could still see the goosebumps still crawling all over and around my body. The outward appearance an example of the emotions running through my heart like my feet running along the sidewalks of this town. Never before have I experienced something quite similar to this. So many God moments in my life, in all that I’ve lived through and within-just nothing like this. Never before have I felt so convicted to be exactly who I am in Christ. Feeling so beyond blessed to be the woman I am everyday for the righteous Lord my heart is called to serve. Never before have I ended my run quite like this. Pushing so hard forward, tears streaming so freely from my eyes down my cheeks. Thanking God so heavily for His time with me. Time within my heart that I’ve been seeking out from Him. Time to have Him lay everything on my heart-all that He wants me to do, be, and live in my own life, solely for Him. Thanking Him for this time to be vulnerable and weak, to let Him build me back up again.

I’m so grateful for this convicting song. This song that will probably never mean to another what it does in my heart. The impact it had on me through those three minutes and forty-five seconds. It truly amazes me, the great power we find in such a simplicity of words. You read a story or phrase, a poem, sometimes just a word, or hear a song that moves you to tears. That’s the kind of writing I want to make real in this world. The kind of impact the Lord has on my heart every moment of every single day. The broken down, vulnerable, Truth in it all. It’s the kind of emotion and heart wrench that drops you to your knees at the feet of the Lord. Unashamed to be exactly who you are, knowing full well that He’s waited for you to let go of everything else. To drop the world, and pick up your cross. That’s the kind of impact I want my thoughts, words, and actions to have on the people around me. Even if it’s just one person. Just another person to us here on earth is the wondrous angel God seeks for Heaven.

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“Old Habits Die Hard.”

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I’m really such a fool. Only an hour before, I had just gotten done telling my very best friend, basically why I’m the most stupid person out there. Or now so it seems. I had just told her that maybe she didn’t have to be so protective of me this time. That maybe she wouldn’t have to be as worried that something terrible would happen to my heart again. I told her that maybe things would be different for once. Who knew, right? Well, my maybe to her was a big fat no-and she was right. That wife: 1. This wife: -10.

This time though, I won’t burst out of this situation raging, fuming, and filled with remorse. This time, I’ll go peacefully. Knowing that yet again, I’ve done all that I could. In the past I’ve loved, I’ve trusted, I’ve opened up-only to be reassured that you can’t be trusted. Now, I just have to learn. It’s a scarring thing…being in a relationship with a pathological liar. One can assume how much potential damage it carries through to every new relationship opportunity. Let me just tell you, that that is a very real thing. Something I am gaining wisdom on, however, is that it’s not everyone else. It’s not any new guy that could potentially come into my life. It’s not the thought of any other relationship. It’s not them. It’s you. You are the one who can’t be trusted, not by me anyway. It’s time to accept that. I think I’ve learned it a little more at a time. But now it’s come to a determination point, where I feel like I see it more full on, versus the small increments. It’s at a point where I won’t be hopeful for it anymore. It’s where it needs to be. And that’s okay, good rather.

For that moment, or that hour, it did suck. The feeling of hot and sticky tears of so many hurtful years running down my face. The saddest part, I don’t even care enough to ask you why. There’s just radio silence. Nothing left to say, and nothing left to do. It just is. Or was.

I guess I’ve concluded that you were the reason there were never seemingly sparks with anyone else. Secretly, deep down I still did long for your heart. I still yearned for the feeling of being in your arms again. Repeating the memories I had cherished for years. Something sad is that I really think I could have let it all go. Let all the past lie where it may and move forward with you. I think I could have moved on from it all, but still not forget. We don’t forget so we can learn. So we can remember what the pain felt like. Remember what not to do. Remember why we tell ourselves to walk away. I know now that I had it in my heart to push forward, the thoughts of you again in my life. Seeing you as a completely new person, even just for moments at a time. But again, you took that away from me.

Maybe that’s the reason I get so sick to my stomach every time I’m with you, or think seriously about you. I truly think, as I have for a while, that it’s God’s giant billboard of caution to my heart. Warning. You know better. Turn back now.

I know you didn’t do it to hurt me, but it still hurt. I know that you had the best of intentions at heart. But that’s just irrelevant. Actions speak louder than words. Your actions simply contradict everything I believe in, everything I stand for, everything I know I deserve.

It’s just really sad. And it takes a long time and a whole lot of God to heal. Simple, right?

I think you’re the reason I got as ‘good’ at writing as people like to tell me. If I never felt all of the scarring hurt because of us, I wouldn’t have had to much sadness to write about. Always over here looking on the bright side.

So please don’t think that I don’t forgive you. I forgive you. I understand that we all have things that we battle with on a daily basis. But the things that you’re battling are scarring to me, and that’s not something I can just be okay with. There has to be a line drawn in the sand. Showing myself and God that I know how I can honor Him better. So here’s your line in my life. Consider yourself forgiven, and drawn.

So with one last hug, a kiss on the cheek goodbye, I’m left with the bleeding paper cuts from the words I write about you. And you’re left with the wet tears my cheek left on yours. But the blood will dry, and so will the tears.

We’re just a collaboration of bones, filled with qualities that we decide to see in a person. Just loving this person that could or could not be filled with hot air and oozing internal liquids. How messed up.

[June1-June7]

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Finally Freedom

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Two years ago, my life was consumed by the word stuck. I had absolutely no idea about anything that I wanted, or anything that was currently going on within my life. I chose to allow myself to be consumed by confusion. It seemed a lot easier to live life this way, then to stir up chaos and change anything. Even though I was aware of the position I was putting myself in, I didn’t know any better than to just sit there and despise it all. I would endlessly complain to my best friend about things that I found ridiculous in my life. I didn’t like the way my then boyfriend treated me. I didn’t like my body. I didn’t like the pressure I constantly felt from some of my family to be someone I wasn’t. I didn’t like the situations I was putting myself in. I didn’t like a lot of things. My best friend, being the beautifully kind hearted soul that she is, would never (or SO rarely ever) tell me that if I didn’t like something, to change it. However, she would tell me things that mattered even more. She would tell me that through it all, the heartache, the terrible ways people have treated me, and the terrible ways I have treated myself, that God loves me. She would remind me that through it all, God has and will continue to have my best interest at heart. That no matter what, things will always end up just as He has planned them to within and around my life. Not a day goes by in which I have ever forgotten what an absolutely amazing best friend I have been blessed with. I’m so fortunate that she was and is there to push me along, and to support me through it all.

Over a year ago, I finally worked up the courage, through Christ alone, to make drastic changes in my life. Every change I’ve made within this time I believe stems from Christ’s love for me. After I started to realize more and more about the source of the only true love I’m capable of feeling, my life flourished. After dealing with a lot of mistreatment from others, I simply stopped putting up with it. When dealing with anyone in my life, I would ask myself ‘Would God treat me like this, or want this for me?’ The rest is simple. If He wouldn’t, then why in the world would I let anyone else have that much of a negative impact on me or my life? Effortlessly, I tell you that I shouldn’t, so I didn’t. 


Now, here I sit, over a year later. There are definitely a few select people that are not the happiest with me due to decisions I’ve made in my life. I’ve gotten to the point of saying that sometimes you just need a little selfish lovins. But even as I type that, I feel extremely convicted. After explaining my oh so intelligent theory to a fellow Christian, they snapped me out of my logic on life really quickly. Yes, I need and deserve to take care of myself and the person I am becoming. But does that make me selfish? Absolutely not! What I need to remind myself of on the daily is what an absolute precious gem I am to God! I need to finally make it stick in my mind that I am the daughter of the One True King. That I am eternally fulfilled in Him, and endlessly loved. I need to take comfort of the beautiful grace proclaiming that I deserve the world, and I deserve every ounce of any greatness the Lord brings into my life and allows me to bring into others’ as well.

People have been continuously posing the question to me lately, ‘What are you learning?’

Whenever I’m asked this, a million different things relating to this theory instantly pop into my mind. Typically, instead of boring the inquisitive soul with my life story, I give them a sigh and an “I don’t know.” Which I guess isn’t entirely true.

So what am I learning?

Interestingly enough, a lot.

I’m learning about relationships. That I truly shouldn’t, and don’t need a relationship in my life. So for me to accept just any Joe Shmoe would be absolutely ridiculous. I’ll admit it open heartedly, I am a sucker for love. If you can feed me delicious food, make me laugh until I cry, and romance me to no end, I would cherish you beyond your comprehension. I would go absolutely out of my way to let you know about God, about me, and about love. These are all certainties about myself that I’ve come to know through much trial and error in the field of men. So the things I’m learning, are about accepting only the love I feel I am truly worth. It is so easy in our society to crave relational perfection, yet so grossly inadequate. I am learning to stand up for the things I know to be right in the way I deserve to be cared for; and to walk away when I’m sure that that care simply isn’t being made apparent. There are over seven billion people on this earth. I’m sure a lot of them can put on a good front, making it seem they are capable of truly taking care of my heart. When it comes down to it, what’s underneath the exterior mask is what I’m really all about. I don’t want a half a month of adorable, I want a lifetime of Godly endearment, and I have complete faith it will happen.

I’m learning about selflessness. Wise words by Aaron continuously remind myself that “Doing what is best for myself, leaves only what is second best for everyone else.” I take a look around me, and see that nearly everyone in this world wants what is best for ourselves. How crazy a thought. What would the world look like if we truly wanted what was best for the people surrounding us instead? Mind blowing brain learning. Loving the way God loves is not an easy task. Sometimes, people make it the most impossible of things to accomplish; but you try, try again anyways. I’m learning that sometimes when you’re holding on too tightly to something or someone, it can be the most selfish act you do. When you know it’s just not right, or the other person isn’t going to be ‘the one’ for you, you should give them the courtesy of honesty. If you really seek what’s best for them, you would choose to free them from your false commitment. Giving them the opportunity to heal and move forward with their own life.

Overall, there will never be a day I don’t learn something new about myself or my faith. I look forward to my reminders from God on a daily basis how genuinely loved and protected I am. I love to tell the people around them how much I love them, and how they have impacted me. I love to get the absolute most I can out of my daily hours in this wild life. I love to embrace change, romance, and memories. I love to love. I am more than grateful to the Lord for pushing me to so many great opportunities and giving me endless chances for growth. I pray I never stop shaping into the beautiful Woman of Christ that He created me to be, in His image alone.

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Embrace.

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Lately, my heart has been in a consistent season of change. I moved back home and in with my parents, I’ve been healing over a very serious and long relationship, I transferred schools…tons of drastic change. For about a year, various things I thought had been on track in my life have taken a plot twist. When I graduated from high school two years ago, I never would have pictured myself where I am right now in my life. I didn’t expect to transfer to two different colleges. I didn’t expect to EVER move back home. I didn’t expect to go through massive amounts of heartache. But I did it. And all of it, among so much else, is now woven into the story lines that make up my life.

Once in a while I catch myself thinking about how much things have shifted for me. I think about how much things have changed around me. And I especially think about how much things have changed within me. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I never transferred out of Madison, if I never let myself fall in love, if I never went through the battle of this life. But if I hadn’t, where would my scars come from instead?

Being in such a season of change literally blows my mind. I feel like I haven’t stood still in such a long time. Is it bad that I kind of like it? Becausedo. I have found through all of this change that just about all the time, nobody will understand what seems to be going on in your life. The beauty of it? They don’t have to, and you don’t have to either. It’s not important for me worry about the mindset of others, because then it takes away from the praise in my heart for Jesus Christ.

I’m starting to be witness to some traits within myself that are nothing like the young woman I used to be.

HBC [Hannah Before Christ]

_I was selfish. I wanted whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it. I wanted things to go perfectly smoothly all the time. I was hardworking, but striving towards things that only mattered to me. I didn’t always consider how my actions impacted those around me.

_I was insecure. I was so insecure that my insecurities held their own insecurities. I was constantly aware of how beautiful everyone around me was, and how much I lacked that. I was constantly in awe of the amazing traits everyone else held. I saw nothing worthy or great within myself.

_I was attention seeking. I didn’t want someone’s attention for long. I sought it out to fill some kind of sick void. Knowing someone else thought I was cute, funny, interesting. It was the high I needed to get me along until the next compliment came along. It was twisted.

_I was damaged goods. I allowed the ways others had shattered my life to effect everything I did. I made sure I remembered all of the hurts I felt. I figured if others could hurt me so deeply and keep on with themselves, I must not be worth too much.

_I was wrong!

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HSC [Hannah Since Christ]

_I am free from all of my baggage. My past will always be my past, and my sins my own. But none of it will ever matter when I know Christ is the holder of my heart. Each new day that passes is a struggle to learn selflessness. No, it’s not easy-but most things aren’t. It’s a learning process just as anything else. A beautiful one at that.

_I am beautiful in God’s image. I will never need to be anyone other than the woman I am. God didn’t make a mistake when He made me. He didn’t make a mistake by making my blue eyes turn green when I cry. He didn’t make a mistake when He made my brown eyebrows unique to my golden blonde hair. He didn’t make a mistake when He made my extra sensitive and tender heart. He made me exactly who I am supposed to be. It’s my beautiful journey to find out just who that is to Him, and what that means to me.

_I seek the love of my Heavenly Father. I don’t have too far to look. Everywhere I turn, I see a new way in which God’s love completely encompasses my heart. Each quiet time I take, I am drawn closer to Him than the hour and a half before. Just thinking about how much love the Lord holds for me gives my whole body goose pimples. Without it, I am not me.

_I am redeemed. Could there possibly be something more breathtaking in this world? I will never have to go back to seeing myself so shattered. I will never have to wonder if I’ll make it through to the end of this wild journey. I am taken over by the grace I have been given. I am forgiven, I am free, I am transformed.

Each new passing day, my life is changing-and I simply cannot apologize for that. I shout praises of thanksgiving to my Lord of Lords! I cry out to Him to keep working within me. Removing the parts of me that hurt Him and dishonor Him, and filling me with the beauty He encompasses.

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