The Odds Of Being My Life.


Alright, So it turns out the second week of year twenty was way more eventful and lesson filled than the first. First of all, basically it’s been decided that the answer to just about any question I could have is about as simple as ‘Jesus.’ Literally, like why is ice cream amazing? Jesus. Why do I love to sleep so much, but function so well on so little? Jesus. More importantly, who alone should you run to when you’re lonely? Yea, Jesus.

The first moral of this week, is a very simple mantra of mine:

Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT reach out to any exes when you’re lonely. Not an ex boyfriend, not an ex fling, not an ex crush.

I don’t care if it’s an ex-treme situation. Or an ex-citing story to tell them about only they would understand. Don’t even try to tell me any kind of ex-cuse. Because honey, my mind has used them all. Instead, remind yourself of who they really turned out to be in your life. Use them as an ex-ample of what you don’t want to let your heart settle for. If you don’t protect your own heart, nobody else will. And it’s beyond ex-hausting to continously bandage up your still gushing wounds.

So yea, just don’t do it. Simple.

Instead, reach out to Jesus. Seriously? I don’t even need to go on. Y’allready know how amazing He is. How He fills every void we think is too low inside ourselves for anyone to reach? Welp, guess what? Jesus is everywhere. And only His love can touch the untouchable broken parts within you.

Secondly, don’t let your frightening exes take control of your actions/emotions.

I have spent literally far too long avoiding. I avoid exes to reduce drama and reduce any chance of awkward conflicts I don’t deem necessary in my life. It’s gotten to be more stressful to try and avoid the conflicts, than I think the conflicts would actually be at this point. I spend so much time constantly checking over my shoulders. Making sure in certain situations that I’m safe, that I’ve got my own back. Literally seems insane, but you just never know….especially not with you two. Not with the things you do to get ahold of me. Really though, seems like both of you need to get ahold of your own realities, and steer clear from mine, of which you think is yours. Confusing, huh? I literally avoid places that I am supposed to feel the absolute most comfortable and safe…just because I don’t want to be targeted by you. I avoid my old friends because I don’t want you to be around, I don’t want you to be brought up. I simply just want to be left alone.

Talk about a cry for help.

Anyway, onwards. My lesson this week, has been to screw the rule book on avoidance. You want to be creepy and confrontational? Whatever. Bring it. Just prepare yourself for a thoroughly peeved off version of Hannah that won’t hold back. Example A: this blog. I’m done hiding and shying away from anything in my life, because I’m scared of you. I’ve got the absolute Greatest Protector, and He’s got my best interest at heart. So, there’s that.

Last but not least, my lesson is my own happiness.

I literally love so much to be happy. I am really taking advantage of any opportunity I can to just find the best in things. Certain aspects of life are always going to be unideal. That’s why it’s life. However, that doesn’t mean at all that I have to be down, blue, or a grumpasaurus because of conditional things. Of course, I’m a full on supporter of the ice cream, romance movie, cry-your-eyes-out-into-your-pillow kind of night. But grieve it out, get up, and push forward. Life is precious. Every second deserves to be cherished, and through it all God more than deserves to be honored.

Ah, brain knowledge…

Week too.

Weak two.

Weak too.

Week two.

[May 2-May9]

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Praises to God.


Where did you come from? What are the things that make you, you? What has happened to you? What hurts have you gone through to make you a distant person? What is it about you that sets you apart from the person you want to be, the person you wish that you were? Where did your story start? Where is it now? What really happened from then to now? Those blurry lines, those bitter thoughts that just came to your mind, they aren’t from God. But none the less, He’s going to use them. I promise you. He’s going to use all of that hurt. Those deep gut wrenching pains that make you feel dead and empty inside. He will wipe them away, wash you white as snow, and make you overfilled with Him. Where else would you rather be?

Testimony: evidence or proof provided by the existence or appearance of something.

My testimony is harsh. It’s painful, it’s sometimes bitter, and it’s emotional. My testimony is filled with things that have happened to me, along with things that I have made decisions for. At times, it can be extremely hard to look at, to bring myself back to such different times. There’s a person that resided there. She was broken, empty, and lived a life of avoided reason for it all. But my testimony is my story. It shows how I got from where I used to be, to the woman I am now. It shows Jesus. It shows Him being right beside me every moment of my life, especially in my lack of knowledge. He held a protective watch over me, always. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t suffer hurts.

Molest: To harm through sexual contact.

I don’t think any young girl-five, six years old-thinks about molestation. Until it happens to her. Until it’s her family member putting her through something that would later reveal as so traumatic in her life. She knows no better. She knows only of innocent things-playing in the woods with her neighbor, loving to go to school and learn, spending hours in the YMCA pool having a blast. Someday though, she will have to deal with the consequences of the things she knows nothing about.

Sexual Abuse: Encouraging a child to engage in sexual activities. 

It’s more than an action. It’s more than a physical touch. For me, it cuts so much more deeply in the emotional and mental state. When you’re young, you don’t know enough to be mad. You don’t know better than to instantly forgive so you can go outside and play with your friends again, like a normal child. When you are asked such a phrase by someone who you would expect to protect you completely throughout this life, it’s devastating. You’re quite a bit older now, so you have a better grasp on ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ in the world around you. Being asked those words, it makes you second guess and question everything you have ever known about the life you’re living in. What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know better than to think people would love you for you? Don’t you see now that it’s normal to do all of this? Wrong. It’s one of the hardest things you will have to get over. But I promise you that you will.

Suicide: The act of killing oneself intently.

Most people walk through their days living out pure selfishness. They know no better, and they have also probably never lost a brother. They don’t know about the deep scars it cuts into your heart. Losing someone you love is difficult. Losing someone you love to themselves, is unbearable. Never getting to see him grow up with you, never getting to say you’re sorry, never getting to say I forgive you. These are wounds that may truly never heal, but will instead be continuously mending over for the rest of your life. They are wounds not many can understand and relate to, and sometimes that’s for the better.

Rape: Unlawful sexual intercourse without the consent of the victim.

Someone you don’t even know and were merely introduced to, someone you have known for many years and have spent years ‘in love’ with-rape knows no relational boundary. Rape is soul stealing. There could not be words out there gruesome enough to explain the ways in which it will make you view yourself. The words don’t explain the way you see yourself as a body, to be used and abused repeatedly. They don’t tell you how much you hate yourself for what they did you to. They don’t tell you how even though you do your best to give it to God, you’ll see yourself in the mirror and silently mock yourself for being so sexually repulsive. Rape will severely distort everything God created beautiful between a husband and wife.

Cheating: To be sexually unfaithful. 

Sex before marriage, there’s the first problem. Allowing yourself to fall into any form of sexual relation before being committed to your husband/wife is setting yourself up for deep, deep failure. You link so much of your past hurts to your boyfriend at the time. You blame him for the things he has done to you. You blame him in part for making your blood boil at the thought that you’re worth more than sex. How could you ever believe something like that, when all people seem to be after is the uses your body can provide-consensual or otherwise. Clearly it makes no difference to them. So you get drunk, off your mind drunk, black out drunk. Are you proud of that looking back now? Do you even remember anything from those three months? You remember that you were unfaithful. You don’t remember how you got there, how it happened, or why. But it did, and maybe it’s better that your memories remain absent. Just another way to prove God was and is forever protecting you. Hiding away any details of the person you let yourself slip into becoming for a period of time.

Catfish: Lure someone into a relationship by means of a fictional online persona. 

These days, it’s the most difficult for people to be honest about who they truly are. The technological advancements our generation has achieved make catfishing such an easy project. You aren’t proud of who you are? Simple, you mask yourself behind a computer screen and a false persona in hopes of getting back into someone’s heart. You don’t understand the fragile heart you’re dealing with, and your actions make sure you never get the chance. Some people will grow to be spectacular, and you will move as God sees fit within your life. Simply, and graciously, as He did for me. Times like these I see God carrying me away from anything that is not of Him. I see Him extend a loving hand to me, welcoming me to something more.

Testimonies are difficult, and they’re supposed to be as such. They harbor so much hurt, locked away for years upon years. So long ago, you had nothing else to say, so you put your words away. Now you know better. You know to place the hurts strictly in front of you, and to give them all to Christ. You know that only He will protect you and your fragile heart. Although I’ve spoken my testimony to a very select amount of people, I find it much more difficult to write it here for infinity. Some people, I’m sure, will be offended or gasp at what I shared from my life. Most people will not fully understand there are so many different parts of healing your broken heart. For me to heal, I need to witness all of the hurts that I have stood tall through by the guidance of Christ. I need to understand only the parts God has revealed to me, and save the rest for a rainy day.

My testimony affects the person I have become. It affects me as a woman of God. It affects the ways in which I love others and love Christ. My testimony is hard, and it takes me to a large amount of dark places and memories. But my testimony does not define me. It is who I once was, to who I am now. It is the blurry messed up lines of everything in between. My testimony is real, and I’ll never complain to God for that.

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:20

Nobody else will persevere. God will heal the wounds you feel in your heart. He will endlessly choose to love on as many people as He can. He will hold onto you. But one day at a time, Christ will be endlessly working within you-turning all of your intended harm into beautiful growth. All praise be to Him.

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For the longest time, I was a completely lost soul. Until about a year ago, I had no idea of anything about myself. I didn’t know myself, I didn’t like myself, and I surely didn’t truly love myself. I was lost in this crazy life, and I constantly let the world inside my own mind. I was insecure, I put my heart and hopes into things and people of this world that were sure to let me down. Getting baptized, finding my faith, and surrendering my heart to the Lord set me free from the things of this world.

No Christian will ever tell you that walking through your faith is easy, because it absolutely is not. Coming into it, you’re crawling. Most of us, or speaking solely for myself, found God when we were on our knees begging for something that we didn’t even know how to ask for. Crying out to be helped, healed, made whole in a way that would never leave us empty or damaged a second longer.

Looking up while the tears stream down, Jesus lifts you up off the ground. Look at you, you’re standing now! He tells you it will all be okay and that the better days are ahead of you. You choose to believe it because it sounds nice, hearing that it will all be alright. Truly accepting it, and understanding it, that’s going to take so much more effort and strive.

Slowly but surely, you start to walk. You start to pick up your bible more because you like the way the Word sounds over the world. Do you fully understand it? Of course not. Can you reach out to others to seek guidance in your knowledge and wisdom to gain? A simple satisfaction that will last you an eternity.

Once you get comfortable at your pace you’re pushed out of the nest. You have a choice to make as always. You can soar on your beautifully crafted wings, or you don’t. But the beauty in falling, I’ve learned, is that you know Jesus is there to take hold of your heart before it even comes close to the ground. So now you fly. You fly and you’re out there so gentle on top of the clouds-almost as if nothing could ever bring you down. Sadly that won’t last forever, not now anyways, not in this lifetime.

The enemy sees now a slight inclination of how much you love our Lord, our God. And he does not like it. He is insecure, and he is intimidated, and then you realize. It hits you that all of the feelings you felt as the person you were before you begged God into your heart, those feelings were not yours. Those feelings were not of God, they were not of the bliss and peace that His presence captivates your life with. You realize that none of that was you, but simply forces of evil trying to desperately and pathetically to keep you from your One True Love. Our Lord and Savior.

The sad part is that sometimes it works. Whether we deny it, accept it, admit it, or manipulate the thought of it, it happens. The enemy of our Christ seeking hearts is keen in understanding the deceit of this world. As we live our lives out, our flesh will sometimes take over. We will fall into temptations, fall into traps, we will fall into pits of our lives we may never understand. A promise any Christian can make to you is that God will prevail, always and forever. There is no one higher, stronger, or kinder than the Lord, himself.

Just as any other, I have lived out the highest and lowest points of my life. Each holding its own meaning and purpose to fulfill a portion of my life individually. While nobody is going to necessarily enjoy the rough days, weeks, months-they are crucial to me. It’s in those reality shaking times that I cling closest to my Heavenly Father. It’s within the darkest moments of myself that I peel another dark portion of myself away and let the light pour through my life, my heart. And the shy, unappealing caterpillar reveals the serenely exquisite butterfly she was hiding away inside the entire time.

Becoming a butterfly is like nothing else. You’re finally free. You can be yourself. You can honor who you are in your faith. You can breath easy. When you finally transform, there’s no going back. You continuously push forward, one day at a time, endlessly doing the best that you’re capable of. The crazy thing is, is that sometimes after you break out of your shell, you don’t even remember the caterpillar that used to encapsulate your life. You can’t identify what it was like to be her, and why would you want to? You are forever changed, you are made brand new, and you are beautiful.

I used to cry out to God ceaselessly. I used to beg for change, beg for understanding, beg for all of the wrong things. I took comfort in familiarity. I was among the loneliest and most terrified of all caterpillars. Did I even want to be a butterfly? I had no idea. My last year has proven to me that the transformation is only the beginning. Yes, of course I wanted to be made new. I wanted to be beautiful and cleansed and honorable again. I became quite aware of just the beginning of my Lord’s capabilities.

Through perpetually seeking out the love of the King of Kings, I learned the truth about love. I learned about loving myself. What beauty there is in that. I started craving the love that can only be sought out from God. Yes, worldly love is nice and we think it satisfies. But dig a little bit beneath the surface and you’ll see it too. God. Yourself. Others. Without seeking the love in your life in that order, you won’t see love. I’ve been blessed. I’ve been transformed and am continually worked on every new day that passes. The difference is that I can now love myself through it, with the guidance of my God.

I often think of each moment in the past I’ve really loved myself. I reflect on them often and take them with me as I ask God to soar forward with me on His chivalrous arm.

Love yourself, because Jesus sure does.


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