“Old Habits Die Hard.”

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I’m really such a fool. Only an hour before, I had just gotten done telling my very best friend, basically why I’m the most stupid person out there. Or now so it seems. I had just told her that maybe she didn’t have to be so protective of me this time. That maybe she wouldn’t have to be as worried that something terrible would happen to my heart again. I told her that maybe things would be different for once. Who knew, right? Well, my maybe to her was a big fat no-and she was right. That wife: 1. This wife: -10.

This time though, I won’t burst out of this situation raging, fuming, and filled with remorse. This time, I’ll go peacefully. Knowing that yet again, I’ve done all that I could. In the past I’ve loved, I’ve trusted, I’ve opened up-only to be reassured that you can’t be trusted. Now, I just have to learn. It’s a scarring thing…being in a relationship with a pathological liar. One can assume how much potential damage it carries through to every new relationship opportunity. Let me just tell you, that that is a very real thing. Something I am gaining wisdom on, however, is that it’s not everyone else. It’s not any new guy that could potentially come into my life. It’s not the thought of any other relationship. It’s not them. It’s you. You are the one who can’t be trusted, not by me anyway. It’s time to accept that. I think I’ve learned it a little more at a time. But now it’s come to a determination point, where I feel like I see it more full on, versus the small increments. It’s at a point where I won’t be hopeful for it anymore. It’s where it needs to be. And that’s okay, good rather.

For that moment, or that hour, it did suck. The feeling of hot and sticky tears of so many hurtful years running down my face. The saddest part, I don’t even care enough to ask you why. There’s just radio silence. Nothing left to say, and nothing left to do. It just is. Or was.

I guess I’ve concluded that you were the reason there were never seemingly sparks with anyone else. Secretly, deep down I still did long for your heart. I still yearned for the feeling of being in your arms again. Repeating the memories I had cherished for years. Something sad is that I really think I could have let it all go. Let all the past lie where it may and move forward with you. I think I could have moved on from it all, but still not forget. We don’t forget so we can learn. So we can remember what the pain felt like. Remember what not to do. Remember why we tell ourselves to walk away. I know now that I had it in my heart to push forward, the thoughts of you again in my life. Seeing you as a completely new person, even just for moments at a time. But again, you took that away from me.

Maybe that’s the reason I get so sick to my stomach every time I’m with you, or think seriously about you. I truly think, as I have for a while, that it’s God’s giant billboard of caution to my heart. Warning. You know better. Turn back now.

I know you didn’t do it to hurt me, but it still hurt. I know that you had the best of intentions at heart. But that’s just irrelevant. Actions speak louder than words. Your actions simply contradict everything I believe in, everything I stand for, everything I know I deserve.

It’s just really sad. And it takes a long time and a whole lot of God to heal. Simple, right?

I think you’re the reason I got as ‘good’ at writing as people like to tell me. If I never felt all of the scarring hurt because of us, I wouldn’t have had to much sadness to write about. Always over here looking on the bright side.

So please don’t think that I don’t forgive you. I forgive you. I understand that we all have things that we battle with on a daily basis. But the things that you’re battling are scarring to me, and that’s not something I can just be okay with. There has to be a line drawn in the sand. Showing myself and God that I know how I can honor Him better. So here’s your line in my life. Consider yourself forgiven, and drawn.

So with one last hug, a kiss on the cheek goodbye, I’m left with the bleeding paper cuts from the words I write about you. And you’re left with the wet tears my cheek left on yours. But the blood will dry, and so will the tears.

We’re just a collaboration of bones, filled with qualities that we decide to see in a person. Just loving this person that could or could not be filled with hot air and oozing internal liquids. How messed up.

[June1-June7]

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Fool Me Once.

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Today, I am mad.

Today I am so sick and tired of running around in the same circle over and over. Sick and tired of dealing with people hidden within masquerades. So sick and absolutely tired of immaturity.

Today is one of those days that you send a text to your Daddio. ‘Why do guys suck dad?’

It’s a really frustrating thing. This whole ‘be in relation with others’ hooplah. I know it’s not really hooplah, but for the sake of today, it’s going to be exactly that for me. I sometimes wish I could be one of those people that could honestly care less about it. I wish I could be one of those women that don’t need no man! And I know I don’t need one, but for once, I just wish it would’ve worked out. I just wish it would’ve been different than you try your hardest not to expect to happen. These are the situations that define the stereotype of the rest of your kind, ‘You’re just like every other guy.’ Really though, you never expect things to end up the way they do. You seek out the best in people. When you meet someone, you are charmed. Completely blind sided by how amazing they seem. Like you could never imagine any reason you’d ever get frustrated at them. Like you literally don’t expect that so soon, you’re already so absolutely fed up.

Even when I feel like I hate this ridiculous broken hearted feeling, I don’t know how to get away from it. Yes, to you and probably most of the world, it’s a few weeks. It’s just different for me. I’ve never known how to put it into the right definitive words. What a very select few get about me is my heart. My heart is everything you could wonder about me, it will tell you anything you need to know. I care. That being said is such a small word to really define it’s depths within me. I truly pray, hope, and seek out the absolute best for everyone. I would do whatever it took to make sure everyone around me has the best they ever could have. What really irks me about that, is that in moments like these-really crappy, emotionally taken advantage of moments-I really despise my heart. Times like right now, I wish I knew how to hold back the way that I care. The ability to pick and choose when to open up, or brush someone off like it’s nothing. Saving it for people that I feel won’t take advantage of it. Although you would think that nobody would be able to do something so shallow. I can’t even comprehend how pathetic and sad that wish is of my heart. Even though my bitter mood may temporarily think that, I don’t ever truly want that. I don’t ever want to feel like I need to withhold the beauty I’ve been blessed with of caring on such a deep level for others.

Today though, I just can’t wrap my head around it. I feel so annoyed, hopeless, and bitter. I’m so far past blaming any guy that I’ve had feelings for. I don’t see the point in that, as for the most part they were pretty decent people. With a few exceptions of course-and y’all know who you are as you’re creeping this very post. Now it’s to the point where I literally want to go to any ex boyfriend or ‘thing’ that I had in my life at some point and ask them what it is. What is it about me that makes it not work? I rant the same situation over and over and over, but nothing ever changes. So what is that thing that I do or say or something that makes absolute sure nothing good ever comes out of me caring about any of you?

Deep down, even as I sit here extremely irate, I know my own answer. God. I still haven’t given God the time and space He needs and dang well deserves to work within my heart fully. I know that when I can do that, so many things in my life and in my heart will fall into place. Everything will. I guess now all there is to do is let you all go. Let go of this ridiculous notion that anyone will ever be ‘truly good.’ Rather, focus on letting God work within me, instead of dreaming you’ll end up different than the last. Here’s to hoping.

Silly me, your tricks worked too.

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