Lectures are Blogging Your Heart Out.

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I remember when I was little my mom was sad. I never knew the underlying reasons really, because little kids ‘aren’t supposed to worry about adult type things.’ At a certain point, I was old enough to go through the really hard stuff with my family. From then on I felt it, no longer just be a bystander on the outside of the pain. As an adult I know when my mom is sad. If I’m being honest, it would always make me really anxious to see. Partly because I’m really protective and I don’t like when things are hurting the ones I love. The other part is the selfish and jarred edge part that I don’t proclaim proudly. The other part is continuously angry when I see this sadness in her. It’s just a sadness I thought I never understood. I looked at her life, the parts of her life I was familiar with at least, and saw no reason to be sad. I saw five children, a husband, a job in a field she loves, and plenty of reasons to be happy. I saw the things my oblivious mind has been trained to see over the years-I saw her depravities. Now as an adult, I realize that I’m sad. I’m sad a lot, and I don’t know if I’ll ever understand that.

The same as I did with my own mom, I look at my life and give myself no reason to feel sad. I know that I am well privileged, and that I should almost feel ashamed for the pity party that happens in my mind sometimes. [Sometimes is so much more than I ever want to happen..] I have a great God that watches over me-where I could be faithless and bitter. I have a loving and genuine family-I could continuously suffer from loneliness without them. I have the most amazing boyfriend-SO many life events could have led me away from him instead of God bringing us together. I am a ridiculously broke college student-BECAUSE I’m gaining an education that you’re not supposed to be able to price. I have a car, it runs, and I’m not ever without the ability to get where I need to go-I could be walking, stranded, or unable to afford a car at all. I am about to start an amazing new job-where I truly have no idea how I was blessed enough to be the chosen one..

I look at my life and I know I should be happy, I know I shouldn’t be able to even complain about the most tedious things in my life. However sometimes, I’m just not the happiest Hannah I could be. That sentence in itself literally makes my heart ache. It’s just something I don’t understand.

If there are so many beautiful amazing things in my life, what am I so sad for? Is it because I think the future is immense, with too many options and paths for me to choose from? Am I sad because I live in the frozen tundra, where I get angry when I walk from class to class not feeling the limbs on my body? Is it because I don’t feel absolutely stunning like the rest of the world seems to be? Is it because I don’t have a strong enough faith and relationship with my God? Or maybe it’s because I am waiting for the rest of my forever to finally start…I have given many speculations to myself for the questions in my mind.

Most days, I am great. I’m happy and I know how continuously blessed I am and always have been. I relate these kinds of days with the color yellow. It just makes you think of happiness and positive thoughts. Honestly I don’t think I even really like the color yellow. Maybe because it reminds me of all the happiness I think I lack deep down. Maybe just because it doesn’t go well with my golden streaked hair. I don’t know, you decide-but what goes wrong when the color yellow is involved, right? These kinds of days make me think back to my mornings of getting ready before school. I remember looking out the dining room window to the east. I’d watch the sun come up across the table, streaking the floor vibrantly without fear of the darkness. Those mornings I just knew it was going to be great, like I was unstoppable.

Then there are the dark days. I don’t even know what words to use to describe them. Kind of like in Harry Potter, when the dementors are able to suck every ounce of light and soul from people? #nerd. These kinds of days make me contemplate everything. They make me have doubt in my abilities as a student, a girlfriend, a daughter and sister. The darkness seeps in and reminds me of the pitch black I’ve seen. You would think that after you go through it all, heal, and move forward, that would be it. That’s not what the darkness says though. It tells you that you’ll always be haunted by the scars that you have. No. Matter. What.

Some people can’t understand that because they haven’t seen the darkness I have. But then again, my darkness could be light compared to other people’s pitch black. Don’t think I don’t think about that. I do, I’m very aware of this theory.

It’s like insanity though. Trying something over and over again the same exact way, and still forever expecting the results to be different. Some dark days feel like that. I wake up and I can just feel the chip on my shoulder. I know that my day is destined to be rough. I can tell in my demeanor that I’m going to end up unintentionally taking out this sadness on the people around me. If I don’t take steps to prevent the hurt from taking over, it will dominate my heart.

So how am I supposed to make sense of this? This angel vs devil consciousness splitting my heart. How do I take hold of the angel and see to it that her light outshines anything else? Does the girl that refuses to take any medicine ever resort to taking happy pills? Talking herself into happiness through straightening out her chemical imbalance that way? Does she constantly surround herself with the people that offset her sadness well? With her boyfriend that might not even realize how sad she really is sometimes? I mean it could work, because he just doesn’t accept it. He pushes her, reminding her that she is more-she was God destined to be more-and we will get through this. Because #teamhaven that’s why. Or does she simply just take the time each and every difficult dark moment to pray her way out of the warped shadows?

Honestly, I couldn’t tell you what she would do. But I can tell you that on these dark days, I don’t like being her. That I don’t like thinking I allow these hard days and moments and thoughts to take me over. But it happens, I understand that. I read it all the time on those regurgitated Pinterest block quotes. ‘Sometimes it’s the people that smile the most that are the saddest.’ I crinkle my nose at quotes like that but yet I can’t help but feel there’s some kind of truth behind them. I don’t know. I know I’ll wake up tomorrow morning and I’ll probably be twelve thousand times better than I was today. The odds of that are forever in my favor.

But today, and tonight, I’m just not up to being her. God help me.

2.11.16

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Label Me Yours.

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God is so so good. All of the time. Throughout everything. Through every triumph, every failure. Every second of this worldly life and beyond to endless amounts of merciful eternity. I’m in love with the transformations my life is taking. Some parts slowly, but definitely surely. And other parts in a more fast pace.

Typically, the things that we are known for or that follow us around have some sort of description of who we are. For me, there were quite a few questionable things my name was tied to a long time ago. Things I wasn’t proud of, but that I had to deal with the consequences of anyways. When people would see me, these choices and heartbreaks were automatically drawn into their minds. Among there being bad things connected, there were definitely good as well. Others, I thought were things that I deemed important to me in my own self description. The main focus that comes to mind is being somebody’s ‘someone.’ For a while, I liked that label. I enjoyed the fact that when people saw me, they knew I was _________’s girlfriend. That I was tied to this other fantastic human being, and that was ultimately all that mattered. That I would be happy and smiling, and that person would be the main source of my joy. I was ignorant.

This last Sunday at church, I got recognized. I wasn’t noticed for being somebody’s girlfriend, I’ve been single for quite a bit. I didn’t get noticed because I was dangling on someone else’s arm, hanging on every word he said. I got noticed for the right reason. I was gathering information and signing up to do Children’s Ministry on Sunday mornings, when one women sparked conversation with me. Within our talk, I was given the beautiful title declaring I was ‘One of the Romania Girls.’ Gah, my heart….it nearly exploded. Back in January, I signed up for my Romania mission trip. A very hesitant Hannah took one tiny baby step at a time towards this huge goal. Over time, I’ve been forced to take huge leaps and put my tiny baby steps to shame. Much work and planning has had to be done for this trip. Most of the time, I’m so caught up in the focus of getting it all done, that I forget other people are aware of it. I forget other people know we’re going, and that they are so eager at heart for our God searching selves.

I couldn’t even tell you the difference in emotion for those two titles of sorts. Being called someone’s girlfriend, and noticed for that, yea it’s cool. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy that comfortable feeling of connectivity. There’s just so much more though….Being noticed as a Child of Christ, in such a season of searching for deep and true love, it’s incomprehensible. I wish you could see the smile just spread across my face while I reacted, talking about my eagerness for my trip. It definitely taught me something, standing there next to a stranger, and yet a beautiful sister in Christ. More than anything, the title I pray to endlessly hold over my life and my heart, is God’s Child. His love, His princess, His bride, His. Yes, someday, I will be eager to finally be somebody’s ‘someone’ again. I will love to love, and yearn to share the Lord with someone. Those days of the future will be glorious and God filled. But those days aren’t here. Right now, God is showing me how to put Him in the forefront of my heart and mind, and to keep Him there always. To not let anything or anyone replace the lead spot in my life where only He can be fulfilling. Sometimes, my selfish ways can make this difficult on myself. But ultimately, God will hold true and He will provide.

[May10-May16]

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My Selfish Longing for Christ.

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I guess I’m going to have to be a little bit selfish now. I’m going to be selfish for the sake of myself and the life the Lord has planned for me. Let me explain:

I have a tough time being and remaining single. Before I had my first serious boyfriend, the boy I fell so in love with so hard, I was this outstandingly independent young girl. Over the last three years he and I have been going through things and playing the unsteady back and forth game. Through all of this I lost my independence. I lost myself. Let’s be honest, I lost it all. Within all of our times of being separated, I would continuously try and move on with my life. My ‘brilliant’ (truly completely ignorant) idea to accomplishing this was to move on with other guys, boys if you will. (Not boys because their age, they were all well of age, I’m no perve. Boys because they lacked so much maturity I don’t think any deserve a higher up title). I tried dating two other people and both ‘relationships’ lasted a month, ahhh sweet, sweet success. It has taken me such a long time to understand the misguidance of my heart. I tried so hard so many times to take control. Control of my life, control of my heart, and control of the things that weren’t happening for me right this second. Instant gratification. Something our society is trying to grow accustomed to; which may explain the displeasure of our world. My heart holds true to a few things I grew up hearing. 1) Nothing worth having comes easy. and 2) Patience is a virtue. I’ve finally gotten a glimpse of the reality of what God needs me to understand.

I’m unstable. I’m unstable because I have allowed myself to repeatedly put myself in failing situations. I have set myself up for failure because I haven’t placed my heart solely and completely in God’s hands. I have understanding that God will do anything for me, that He has a beautiful life and plan ready for me. All I have to do is ask. I’ve let God down, by continuously allowing my emotions to guide my acts, to guide my life. I haven’t placed my stability in Christ, when deep down I have always known that is the only place to truly find it.

Because of my instability, I have had a pretty rough year and a half. I started my first year of college at UW-Madison. It was my first time in two years being away from the boy I was in love with. It was my first time being away from home and on my own. I was shattered. I decided in my first few weeks of college not to get sucked into the drinking scene everyone around me couldn’t wait to dive into. Looking back, I think truly I was depressed. I would skip as many classes as I could throughout the week and spend my time in my boyfriend’s dorm room at UW-Whitewater. I would do homework that I’d be missing class for while he’d be in classes. When I was in my own dorm room in Madison, I was constantly watching tv and laying in bed. I never wanted to leave my room. I didn’t want to socialize with people, I didn’t want to have anything to do with the astounding school or city around me. I was in really bad shape. After my boyfriend and my’s second break up the week before finals week of the fall semester, I was distraught. I drove the hour and a half drive from home back to school at three in the morning the night before all of my finals. I packed my dorm up, and I drove back home, arriving at around six thirty in the morning. That was it. I didn’t go back to take my finals, I failed one class because of it, and I didn’t care. I didn’t care that I was putting my education in jeopardy. I couldn’t feel anything but hurt and disappointment.

Fast forward to the spring semester of my freshman year in college, I transferred to UW-Whitewater. Yes, the home of my ex boyfriend and the person I still so desperately longed for. This semester was a lot better, and I could see differences right away. I joined Cru (Christian Org on campus) and brought the person I love the most with me, even though I could only get him to come to spend some time with me. Amazing things instantly started happening for both of us. What a crazy semester. We both found Christ, and instantly committed our lives. We spent all of our time with either each other or fellow Christians, for the most part. We ended up getting back together, doing our best to hold Christ at the center of our lives. Although it was short lived, it was the best part of our relationship. We remained so in love with each other, throughout all of the hard times our hearts had endured. However, my heart was still that of a child. Although I knew exactly what I wanted, to marry him, I did not have a healed enough heart. All of my future was staring right at me, I knew he was going to propose, and I ran. I was not ready, in any meaning of the word.

After a summer of difficulties and continued questions of our future, I still remained so in love with him. My heart was broken that I ran away, and it didn’t get easier to deal with over time. It got more and more intensely difficult. I made it through my first year of college barely breathing, and wasn’t foreseeing the second one to be any better. I started my fall semester of my sophomore year back at UW-Whitewater, home. I had high hopes of what the year would bring. Sadly, it was absolutely nothing as I had expected. I was the definition of lost and pathetic. I have always known how much I care for my ex boyfriend, and I had to be the one to run away. It’s been the most difficult thing to try and even understand, let alone explain it to the rest of the world. I spent my entire semester back secluded to myself. Driving two hours home to my best friend and parents every single weekend. I was back feeling depressed. Not understanding why I had to go through all of this. Wasn’t one tough year enough to handle? Apparently not. Now I’m done with my fall semester, I still made it out alive. I’m home. I’m safe. I’m still breathing.

Saying the last year and a half has been rough is the epitome of an understatement. But there are definitely a few upsides to all of the rough I’ve been dealing with. The wondrously beautiful thing about being absolutely broken down, is being built up in Christ alone. Allowing yourself to become less and less of who you thought you would be so you can become filled with more of Him and who He has planned for you to be. Also, if this is the absolute lowest point I’m going to hit, then it can only go up from here.

So this is where my selfishness comes into play. I’m going to take my time. I’m going to take time just to myself to let God shape and mold me into the beautiful woman He is ready for me to become. I’m ready for things to turn around. I’m ready to do whatever it takes to put Christ first and foremost in my life. I’m ready to let go of the pains and the aches that only hurt me more as I clench onto them.

I’ve given these small pieces of my heart to other people, mainly guys, for the past few years. Because of that, I’ve suffered more hurt than I thought could be possible to try and handle. What is the most unfair about it all is that I wasn’t being fair to myself, and most importantly to God. I was reminded yesterday that by giving away even the most tiny fractions of my heart, it leaves less for God, and even less for the husband God will place in my life someday. Talk about a smack of reality. To truly think about that, completely shatters my world. I know right now who I hope that God has me saying ‘I Do’ to in years to come. But something I’m now learning to do is to give that completely to God. I’d love nothing more for His plan and the plan I have in my mind to line up down the road. I truly have faith in Him that it will indeed. But even if that doesn’t happen, I know that His plan will take reign and it will be the most glorious of blessings. I’m going to be selfish from the world and give my heart abundantly to God. I’m going to let Him have all of broken pieces left of my heart. And I already know now that He will take all of those broken pieces, and restore in me something so abundantly filled with love.

I have faith.

What more do I need?

Nothing.

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