Taking a Pause on Life Tonight.

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Since as long as I can remember I have been a busy body. That doesn’t even explain it. I have kept nearly every second of my life crammed into my agenda, for what feels like forever. That’s my norm, that’s what I’m used to. I don’t entirely know my motives behind my actions in overwhelming myself. I know that I didn’t like being home for a really long time. That there, it was unsafe. That I couldn’t remember how to breath when I was there and that terrified me. The place that’s supposed to provide the most natural and complete comfort, just didn’t fit well in my heart. So I stayed gone, for a long time. For days, weeks at a time, I would be so busy I wouldn’t even see my family members. I know this action of being beyond my comprehension busy has been going on for a long and begrudging time. I don’t really see an end to it in the near future. But I do want a decline. Not necessarily in the amount of things I involve myself in. Instead, improvement in the quality of things I choose to spend my limited mind and time capacity on within my days here on earth. A few months ago, I went on a mission trip to Mississippi. Coming home from that week long spring break mission trip, my perspectives in life had drastically altered and shifted. I started seeing how much people threw away the opportunities they were handed to be involved in beautiful things. It was frustrating to me. How could so many people just completely miss the facts of the real things? Didn’t they see where their life needed to be? The things that were so heavily screaming their names, while barely coming through as a whisper in their ears..unheard of.

For myself, I needed to see that perspective drawn through my life. But for a tad bit different reason. I had no problem overloading my life, but where was the worth in it? First, were the things in my life actually worth the time and effort I had been giving them? And second, if I was going to continuously overwhelm myself, was I really proving to be of that much use to the world and the people I was trying to love on? That was a big negative to both. Sadly, this was a slap of harsh reality to the face, but so necessary. So I decided to change things. I quit involving myself in things that I had suddenly realized weren’t feeding into my life in the proper ways. They didn’t grow me spiritually, mentally, or emotionally. So I ducked out on them. Quack, quack. That’s exactly how some people saw me and my actions then. Quacked, crazy, and completely misunderstood. Just the way we like it, eh? Anyways, it was a pretty cool lesson to learn, forever an ultimate truth in my life. You make time for what’s important to you. So I started clearing away the things in my life that weren’t fulfilling, and added in ideas of things that could be. Making this subtle, but yet oddly drastic change definitely became apparent in my life. Well, to me in the least.

There still remained a problem though, overexertion. I have no problem doing just about anything for anyone at anytime. I don’t care if I have previous plans, I don’t care if I’m literally already booked down to the second, I don’t care if it’s impossible. Somehow, God always makes it happen. I couldn’t tell you the million times I should have been late to appointments, or meeting up with people, or to work even. Somehow, I’ve nearly always made it on time. No, I don’t speed THAT much….it’s way bigger than the reading on my speedometer. It never fails to make my faith grounded in moments like that. Moments where I KNOW something should have happened, and that the alternative is nearly impossible…but sure enough, the alternative pulls rank. The sad part, is that I never learn. I never learn how to say ‘no.’ How to put my foot down and say that enough is enough. How to have a limit as to what I am capable of. Typically I would see this as a good thing, but truth is, I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of running around like a college chicken with two jobs and her head in a blender trying to make Thanksgiving Dinner. I’m exhausted. My body is exhausted. My mind. Sometimes, my soul.

I’ve been exhausted and proud for a while. Today though, I’m exhausted and grateful. Today, was a long day. But a beautiful day through and through. After five hours of sleep, I was up at 0430, to rush to my nursing assistant clinicals day one. After that long day in itself, I tiredly rushed over to pick up my little sister, and spent the next four hours with her. Then rushing to drop her off and head over to my first counseling appointment in three weeks, I realize yet again how good my God is. My counselor messaged me and explained that we must of had some time communication error, as I was apparently supposed to be at church an hour prior for our appointment. After feeling terrible and blonde for about ten minutes, I realize the hidden blessing God sent to me. I think God knows that I in no way want to slow down. It’s taken me a while, but I finally feel content in thinking that most of the things I spend my time on have the great potential of glorifying God, if I so choose to hopefully act on them. So really, why would I want to slow that down? I wouldn’t, right? Exactly. Knowing my servant and determined heart, God made me slow down tonight, without really telling me He was going to do it. He allowed the time miscommunication, He sees how exhausted I am, He knows I need a night. He knows I won’t stop pushing myself to do great things in His name, so He gave me tonight. Tonight, to rest. Before my yet another crammed weekend of working, clinicals, studying, etc. etc.

So today, I am grateful for God and I am grateful for tonight. I’m grateful that God knows and honors my heart. That He has ways of getting around my stubbornness that is hardly even explainable to those that just don’t know. Today I am thankful that I push myself to be successful and to glorify such a beautiful and loving God. I am thankful for my ability to miscommunicate sometimes, as a junior in college and a communications major. I’m thankful. I’m exhausted. And now I’m going to honor God’s wishes, and go to sleep.

Goodnight. Yes, it is 0732.

[May24-May31]

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