Tomorrow, I turn twenty years old. I mark the ending of my teenage years, and officially start my ‘adulthood.’ As my birthday has been approaching this year, I have been viewing it quite a bit differently than every other year. I talk all the time about how I picture my life, how I view my future winding up. It’s easy for me to see all of the things I want, and the desires of my heart. For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted a version of the typical American Dream. I want to be married, in an unbelievably Godly relationship. I want to have children, absolutely beautiful children running around demanding my heart and my life. I want beautiful puppies, two, that I can take running with me every morning. I want to be able to take care of the people in my life. To provide them endless amounts of tenderness, love, kindness. To be the absolute best version of the woman God has called upon me to be. The largest part of me will always deeply long for all of this to the depths of my core. Caring for others, that’s who I am. It’s second nature to me, it’s something I don’t even think about doing.
Someday, I will be blessed with the desires of my heart. God knows the deepest roots of it all, and He is the only one who can set it all on the right path.
Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
Someday, it will all happen for me. Someday, it’s all going to click together; every last puzzle piece that hasn’t ever fit anywhere else. But for now, I don’t think it’s going to happen. And the strange part, is that I am so at peace with that. I almost don’t want it to happen right away, and that’s so unusual of a thought for me. I think the reasoning behind such a drastic change in heart, is due to the thoughts of the guys in my past. There has only been one serious relationship within my life. But that relationship took literally everything out of me, and then some. Two very minor relationships that only lasted a month, that I could hardly consider relationships. Lastly, many many ‘things’ with guys. You know, we aren’t in a relationship, but that’s only because they haven’t decided whether or not they think I’m worthy of their manly ideals. Which to most guys that are a-typical 21st century boys (and not men), I’m very unique in my standards. When I think about the people I’ve liked, and how clearly, none of them worked out, I feel absolutely ridiculous. I know that I have pretty much wasted away parts of my heart that I will never be able to re-retrieve. Those parts of my heart can be healed and made whole. But they’re parts that my future husband will never fully understand or call his own. I talk about this fact often, because it’s something I think about deeply a lot. On the flip side, I know that certain characteristics of me and certain experiences I’ve had would never have worked into my life without these two week tidbit heart flings. So at the same time, my self disappointment shows gratitude. I know that my future hubs will love me for me-every single last previously broken piece of glass. Hopefully though, he’s crafty and can mosaic a beautiful stained window or something out of my shattered parts. I don’t know, personal preference.
Anyway, moving forward. This is the montra of sorts in my heart right now.
“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past. Isaiah 43:18-19
While I know that someday all of these things will happen, a new portion of thought has dawned on me. I’m not ready. I may know the things that I seek, the things I so deeply crave. But there’s a plot twist, as usual. The woman that is experiencing all of things abundant blessings from God, she’s a different version of myself than I sit here as today. That woman, is changed and transformed in ways that I know I have not experienced fully yet. For a while, I have used a working analogy to explain my emotions to others. “I know what I want. Let’s call it Point B. I know where I am right now, Point A. But I just can’t put together how I’m supposed to get there, from A to B. I just don’t know what that looks like. It’s all grey area, and I don’t do well with grey area.” I could not tell you the amount of times I’ve used this theory. Yes, to me it still makes perfect sense. I still understand what I meant the millions of times I said it. It’s just different now, because my perspective has shifted.
I realize now, that there are some important personal changes that need to be made before I am on a level of certainty in my life where the rest would fall in line. There is nobody but myself that can start the process of working on who I am. And there is no help that can make a difference in my life greater than that of my Lord. And how grateful I am for that fact to be so true to my heart.
So, here’s my concluding fact. Changes, need to be made. Beautiful, wonderful, terrifying changes. Things that I have had goals about for the longest time, but never fully committed to. Facts in my life that very few are exposed to. Nobody needs to know the details. Just me and God. He knows what it’ll take for His plans to continue. He knows where I hope He takes me. And He knows if I’ll end up there, or on a completely different life path all together.
All I know, is that this will be the year of great attempt. This will be my time to really get to know myself. That cliche moment everyone talks about. Self discovery, self reliance, and Godly devotion. Amen.
So here’s to twenty.