Two years ago, my life was consumed by the word stuck. I had absolutely no idea about anything that I wanted, or anything that was currently going on within my life. I chose to allow myself to be consumed by confusion. It seemed a lot easier to live life this way, then to stir up chaos and change anything. Even though I was aware of the position I was putting myself in, I didn’t know any better than to just sit there and despise it all. I would endlessly complain to my best friend about things that I found ridiculous in my life. I didn’t like the way my then boyfriend treated me. I didn’t like my body. I didn’t like the pressure I constantly felt from some of my family to be someone I wasn’t. I didn’t like the situations I was putting myself in. I didn’t like a lot of things. My best friend, being the beautifully kind hearted soul that she is, would never (or SO rarely ever) tell me that if I didn’t like something, to change it. However, she would tell me things that mattered even more. She would tell me that through it all, the heartache, the terrible ways people have treated me, and the terrible ways I have treated myself, that God loves me. She would remind me that through it all, God has and will continue to have my best interest at heart. That no matter what, things will always end up just as He has planned them to within and around my life. Not a day goes by in which I have ever forgotten what an absolutely amazing best friend I have been blessed with. I’m so fortunate that she was and is there to push me along, and to support me through it all.
Over a year ago, I finally worked up the courage, through Christ alone, to make drastic changes in my life. Every change I’ve made within this time I believe stems from Christ’s love for me. After I started to realize more and more about the source of the only true love I’m capable of feeling, my life flourished. After dealing with a lot of mistreatment from others, I simply stopped putting up with it. When dealing with anyone in my life, I would ask myself ‘Would God treat me like this, or want this for me?’ The rest is simple. If He wouldn’t, then why in the world would I let anyone else have that much of a negative impact on me or my life? Effortlessly, I tell you that I shouldn’t, so I didn’t.
Now, here I sit, over a year later. There are definitely a few select people that are not the happiest with me due to decisions I’ve made in my life. I’ve gotten to the point of saying that sometimes you just need a little selfish lovins. But even as I type that, I feel extremely convicted. After explaining my oh so intelligent theory to a fellow Christian, they snapped me out of my logic on life really quickly. Yes, I need and deserve to take care of myself and the person I am becoming. But does that make me selfish? Absolutely not! What I need to remind myself of on the daily is what an absolute precious gem I am to God! I need to finally make it stick in my mind that I am the daughter of the One True King. That I am eternally fulfilled in Him, and endlessly loved. I need to take comfort of the beautiful grace proclaiming that I deserve the world, and I deserve every ounce of any greatness the Lord brings into my life and allows me to bring into others’ as well.
People have been continuously posing the question to me lately, ‘What are you learning?’
Whenever I’m asked this, a million different things relating to this theory instantly pop into my mind. Typically, instead of boring the inquisitive soul with my life story, I give them a sigh and an “I don’t know.” Which I guess isn’t entirely true.
So what am I learning?
Interestingly enough, a lot.
I’m learning about relationships. That I truly shouldn’t, and don’t need a relationship in my life. So for me to accept just any Joe Shmoe would be absolutely ridiculous. I’ll admit it open heartedly, I am a sucker for love. If you can feed me delicious food, make me laugh until I cry, and romance me to no end, I would cherish you beyond your comprehension. I would go absolutely out of my way to let you know about God, about me, and about love. These are all certainties about myself that I’ve come to know through much trial and error in the field of men. So the things I’m learning, are about accepting only the love I feel I am truly worth. It is so easy in our society to crave relational perfection, yet so grossly inadequate. I am learning to stand up for the things I know to be right in the way I deserve to be cared for; and to walk away when I’m sure that that care simply isn’t being made apparent. There are over seven billion people on this earth. I’m sure a lot of them can put on a good front, making it seem they are capable of truly taking care of my heart. When it comes down to it, what’s underneath the exterior mask is what I’m really all about. I don’t want a half a month of adorable, I want a lifetime of Godly endearment, and I have complete faith it will happen.
I’m learning about selflessness. Wise words by Aaron continuously remind myself that “Doing what is best for myself, leaves only what is second best for everyone else.” I take a look around me, and see that nearly everyone in this world wants what is best for ourselves. How crazy a thought. What would the world look like if we truly wanted what was best for the people surrounding us instead? Mind blowing brain learning. Loving the way God loves is not an easy task. Sometimes, people make it the most impossible of things to accomplish; but you try, try again anyways. I’m learning that sometimes when you’re holding on too tightly to something or someone, it can be the most selfish act you do. When you know it’s just not right, or the other person isn’t going to be ‘the one’ for you, you should give them the courtesy of honesty. If you really seek what’s best for them, you would choose to free them from your false commitment. Giving them the opportunity to heal and move forward with their own life.
Overall, there will never be a day I don’t learn something new about myself or my faith. I look forward to my reminders from God on a daily basis how genuinely loved and protected I am. I love to tell the people around them how much I love them, and how they have impacted me. I love to get the absolute most I can out of my daily hours in this wild life. I love to embrace change, romance, and memories. I love to love. I am more than grateful to the Lord for pushing me to so many great opportunities and giving me endless chances for growth. I pray I never stop shaping into the beautiful Woman of Christ that He created me to be, in His image alone.