Where does one even begin?
How do you begin an end? Contradiction. How do you release all of the plans you once had for yourself? Faith. How do you mentally erase years upon years of memories embedded into your mind and heart, impacting the person you have become so intensely? Impossible.
The first time hearing from you in two months. There simply are not words of expression. It’s terrifying. Unmanageable. Excruciating. It’s almost as if we were brought back to so many hurtful memories. Selfish choices of wrong motives or turning of backs. It feels almost as if your body sets into shock. You have to pinch yourself, or run into the platform of nine and three quarters, to make sure you’re not dreaming all of it. To make sure this is still the life you’re living day in and day out, just trying to stay kicking.
It’s really complicated. How are you supposed to act? Like yourself? But you’ve changed, so remember to be who you are now. Not the past version of yourself that you don’t understand or even recognize. How do you just pretend both of our minds aren’t filled with the same content? It’s the most difficult thing to try and make sense of. There is so much I want to say. So much that has been building up in my heart and throughout my head for what feels like my entire life. How do you just talk about things after so long of avoidance and bitterness?
I really thought I was okay-not my absolute best-but I really thought I was ‘fine.’ Boy, was I wrong. That seems to be a pattern of my heart and mind complex. By the fifth message in, I found myself in yet another puddle of tears. It definitely didn’t feel like a puddle though. More like an ocean, pulling me completely under its tide. Left to try and stay afloat, to swim to shore, or sink and become consumed in it all.
It should be so simple, just talk. You’ve known each other for eight years, you dated for nearly three. It’s just so much easier said than done. Having a conversation after so long of persisting you out of my life, it’s tragically difficult. When I say I was crying, it stays alive as a huge understatement as to where my heart was lying.
So what do you do? You finish your counseling session at church. You go grocery shopping for your parents while trying to hold your composure in public. You buy just ONE Reese’s, while truly longing for bags and bags of them. [comfort] Then you finally get in your car. It’s been just about the longest morning possible. Is it really not even one yet? There isn’t any need for you to turn on the radio. The noise surrounding you is so loud, nothing else can be tolerated. The sounds of the city as people continue living life around you. While you sit at a stand still in a Pick N’ Save parking lot crying into your steering wheel. The sound of your phone vibrating in your lap, an incoming text you don’t even know if you can look at. The piercing and continuous wailing in your mind only you are unsheltered from. You let yourself feel it. The hurt. It’s there, it’s dominant, and it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. You cry out to God. Sobs of unintelligible prayers. Petitioning for any kind of understanding as to what is happening around you. You get home and ignore the fact that your momma is in the middle of a phone conversation. You crawl onto her lap and you let the fresh tears fall. You let the mascara and eyeliner stream down your face, portraying on the outside of how washed away your heart feels internally. You sob. You lament so deeply you can feel it shaking you at your core. To the place where it makes you think you’re physically going to be sick from the heartache dwelling deep down. You can’t get a grasp on the situation. It just hurts-cutting deeper than it ever has before. How is that even possible? There has already been SO much, over such a long time. How can it still hurt just as bad as it did so long ago?! Months and months have passed. Your new relationship. My relationship with Christ growing deeper and more transformed each and every day. New experiences and challenges in life, changing into different people than we’re used to.
So much has transformed, in such a short time. But here we are, seemingly so long later, and this one fact has yet to change. My heart has not let you go. I can’t seem to give up on the idea. After over three years of these feelings, this continual longing in my heart for us, I truly wonder why. I ask God all the time why He still has me feeling these emotions? I crave to see the bigger picture He has through this. I know I may never fully understand, and that’s alright too. I’ve come to some kind of peace with it, the not knowing. I know ultimately that He loves me, that He loves you, and that He has a plan. Everything that has come our way and will come our way, He’s seen it. He has allowed it to pass through His fingertips into our reality. The rest, is up to us to discern.