Lately, my heart has been in a consistent season of change. I moved back home and in with my parents, I’ve been healing over a very serious and long relationship, I transferred schools…tons of drastic change. For about a year, various things I thought had been on track in my life have taken a plot twist. When I graduated from high school two years ago, I never would have pictured myself where I am right now in my life. I didn’t expect to transfer to two different colleges. I didn’t expect to EVER move back home. I didn’t expect to go through massive amounts of heartache. But I did it. And all of it, among so much else, is now woven into the story lines that make up my life.
Once in a while I catch myself thinking about how much things have shifted for me. I think about how much things have changed around me. And I especially think about how much things have changed within me. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I never transferred out of Madison, if I never let myself fall in love, if I never went through the battle of this life. But if I hadn’t, where would my scars come from instead?
Being in such a season of change literally blows my mind. I feel like I haven’t stood still in such a long time. Is it bad that I kind of like it? Because I do. I have found through all of this change that just about all the time, nobody will understand what seems to be going on in your life. The beauty of it? They don’t have to, and you don’t have to either. It’s not important for me worry about the mindset of others, because then it takes away from the praise in my heart for Jesus Christ.
I’m starting to be witness to some traits within myself that are nothing like the young woman I used to be.
HBC [Hannah Before Christ]
_I was selfish. I wanted whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it. I wanted things to go perfectly smoothly all the time. I was hardworking, but striving towards things that only mattered to me. I didn’t always consider how my actions impacted those around me.
_I was insecure. I was so insecure that my insecurities held their own insecurities. I was constantly aware of how beautiful everyone around me was, and how much I lacked that. I was constantly in awe of the amazing traits everyone else held. I saw nothing worthy or great within myself.
_I was attention seeking. I didn’t want someone’s attention for long. I sought it out to fill some kind of sick void. Knowing someone else thought I was cute, funny, interesting. It was the high I needed to get me along until the next compliment came along. It was twisted.
_I was damaged goods. I allowed the ways others had shattered my life to effect everything I did. I made sure I remembered all of the hurts I felt. I figured if others could hurt me so deeply and keep on with themselves, I must not be worth too much.
_I was wrong!
HSC [Hannah Since Christ]
_I am free from all of my baggage. My past will always be my past, and my sins my own. But none of it will ever matter when I know Christ is the holder of my heart. Each new day that passes is a struggle to learn selflessness. No, it’s not easy-but most things aren’t. It’s a learning process just as anything else. A beautiful one at that.
_I am beautiful in God’s image. I will never need to be anyone other than the woman I am. God didn’t make a mistake when He made me. He didn’t make a mistake by making my blue eyes turn green when I cry. He didn’t make a mistake when He made my brown eyebrows unique to my golden blonde hair. He didn’t make a mistake when He made my extra sensitive and tender heart. He made me exactly who I am supposed to be. It’s my beautiful journey to find out just who that is to Him, and what that means to me.
_I seek the love of my Heavenly Father. I don’t have too far to look. Everywhere I turn, I see a new way in which God’s love completely encompasses my heart. Each quiet time I take, I am drawn closer to Him than the hour and a half before. Just thinking about how much love the Lord holds for me gives my whole body goose pimples. Without it, I am not me.
_I am redeemed. Could there possibly be something more breathtaking in this world? I will never have to go back to seeing myself so shattered. I will never have to wonder if I’ll make it through to the end of this wild journey. I am taken over by the grace I have been given. I am forgiven, I am free, I am transformed.
Each new passing day, my life is changing-and I simply cannot apologize for that. I shout praises of thanksgiving to my Lord of Lords! I cry out to Him to keep working within me. Removing the parts of me that hurt Him and dishonor Him, and filling me with the beauty He encompasses.