My Selfish Longing for Christ.

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I guess I’m going to have to be a little bit selfish now. I’m going to be selfish for the sake of myself and the life the Lord has planned for me. Let me explain:

I have a tough time being and remaining single. Before I had my first serious boyfriend, the boy I fell so in love with so hard, I was this outstandingly independent young girl. Over the last three years he and I have been going through things and playing the unsteady back and forth game. Through all of this I lost my independence. I lost myself. Let’s be honest, I lost it all. Within all of our times of being separated, I would continuously try and move on with my life. My ‘brilliant’ (truly completely ignorant) idea to accomplishing this was to move on with other guys, boys if you will. (Not boys because their age, they were all well of age, I’m no perve. Boys because they lacked so much maturity I don’t think any deserve a higher up title). I tried dating two other people and both ‘relationships’ lasted a month, ahhh sweet, sweet success. It has taken me such a long time to understand the misguidance of my heart. I tried so hard so many times to take control. Control of my life, control of my heart, and control of the things that weren’t happening for me right this second. Instant gratification. Something our society is trying to grow accustomed to; which may explain the displeasure of our world. My heart holds true to a few things I grew up hearing. 1) Nothing worth having comes easy. and 2) Patience is a virtue. I’ve finally gotten a glimpse of the reality of what God needs me to understand.

I’m unstable. I’m unstable because I have allowed myself to repeatedly put myself in failing situations. I have set myself up for failure because I haven’t placed my heart solely and completely in God’s hands. I have understanding that God will do anything for me, that He has a beautiful life and plan ready for me. All I have to do is ask. I’ve let God down, by continuously allowing my emotions to guide my acts, to guide my life. I haven’t placed my stability in Christ, when deep down I have always known that is the only place to truly find it.

Because of my instability, I have had a pretty rough year and a half. I started my first year of college at UW-Madison. It was my first time in two years being away from the boy I was in love with. It was my first time being away from home and on my own. I was shattered. I decided in my first few weeks of college not to get sucked into the drinking scene everyone around me couldn’t wait to dive into. Looking back, I think truly I was depressed. I would skip as many classes as I could throughout the week and spend my time in my boyfriend’s dorm room at UW-Whitewater. I would do homework that I’d be missing class for while he’d be in classes. When I was in my own dorm room in Madison, I was constantly watching tv and laying in bed. I never wanted to leave my room. I didn’t want to socialize with people, I didn’t want to have anything to do with the astounding school or city around me. I was in really bad shape. After my boyfriend and my’s second break up the week before finals week of the fall semester, I was distraught. I drove the hour and a half drive from home back to school at three in the morning the night before all of my finals. I packed my dorm up, and I drove back home, arriving at around six thirty in the morning. That was it. I didn’t go back to take my finals, I failed one class because of it, and I didn’t care. I didn’t care that I was putting my education in jeopardy. I couldn’t feel anything but hurt and disappointment.

Fast forward to the spring semester of my freshman year in college, I transferred to UW-Whitewater. Yes, the home of my ex boyfriend and the person I still so desperately longed for. This semester was a lot better, and I could see differences right away. I joined Cru (Christian Org on campus) and brought the person I love the most with me, even though I could only get him to come to spend some time with me. Amazing things instantly started happening for both of us. What a crazy semester. We both found Christ, and instantly committed our lives. We spent all of our time with either each other or fellow Christians, for the most part. We ended up getting back together, doing our best to hold Christ at the center of our lives. Although it was short lived, it was the best part of our relationship. We remained so in love with each other, throughout all of the hard times our hearts had endured. However, my heart was still that of a child. Although I knew exactly what I wanted, to marry him, I did not have a healed enough heart. All of my future was staring right at me, I knew he was going to propose, and I ran. I was not ready, in any meaning of the word.

After a summer of difficulties and continued questions of our future, I still remained so in love with him. My heart was broken that I ran away, and it didn’t get easier to deal with over time. It got more and more intensely difficult. I made it through my first year of college barely breathing, and wasn’t foreseeing the second one to be any better. I started my fall semester of my sophomore year back at UW-Whitewater, home. I had high hopes of what the year would bring. Sadly, it was absolutely nothing as I had expected. I was the definition of lost and pathetic. I have always known how much I care for my ex boyfriend, and I had to be the one to run away. It’s been the most difficult thing to try and even understand, let alone explain it to the rest of the world. I spent my entire semester back secluded to myself. Driving two hours home to my best friend and parents every single weekend. I was back feeling depressed. Not understanding why I had to go through all of this. Wasn’t one tough year enough to handle? Apparently not. Now I’m done with my fall semester, I still made it out alive. I’m home. I’m safe. I’m still breathing.

Saying the last year and a half has been rough is the epitome of an understatement. But there are definitely a few upsides to all of the rough I’ve been dealing with. The wondrously beautiful thing about being absolutely broken down, is being built up in Christ alone. Allowing yourself to become less and less of who you thought you would be so you can become filled with more of Him and who He has planned for you to be. Also, if this is the absolute lowest point I’m going to hit, then it can only go up from here.

So this is where my selfishness comes into play. I’m going to take my time. I’m going to take time just to myself to let God shape and mold me into the beautiful woman He is ready for me to become. I’m ready for things to turn around. I’m ready to do whatever it takes to put Christ first and foremost in my life. I’m ready to let go of the pains and the aches that only hurt me more as I clench onto them.

I’ve given these small pieces of my heart to other people, mainly guys, for the past few years. Because of that, I’ve suffered more hurt than I thought could be possible to try and handle. What is the most unfair about it all is that I wasn’t being fair to myself, and most importantly to God. I was reminded yesterday that by giving away even the most tiny fractions of my heart, it leaves less for God, and even less for the husband God will place in my life someday. Talk about a smack of reality. To truly think about that, completely shatters my world. I know right now who I hope that God has me saying ‘I Do’ to in years to come. But something I’m now learning to do is to give that completely to God. I’d love nothing more for His plan and the plan I have in my mind to line up down the road. I truly have faith in Him that it will indeed. But even if that doesn’t happen, I know that His plan will take reign and it will be the most glorious of blessings. I’m going to be selfish from the world and give my heart abundantly to God. I’m going to let Him have all of broken pieces left of my heart. And I already know now that He will take all of those broken pieces, and restore in me something so abundantly filled with love.

I have faith.

What more do I need?

Nothing.

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3 thoughts on “My Selfish Longing for Christ.

  1. Thank you for sharing your heart. What you are going through is so hard. But I know Jesus can heal your heart. Be sure you get into the word; memorize some Scriptures that will help you embrace living in Christ and grow. Seeking fulfillment in another person just doesn’t do it, not even if it is the one you married. Putting Scripture into your heart will help you stay on the path to healing! By the way, I don’t think you are selfish at all; you are on a journey to the true you and the true God! I am glad that I was “selfish” in learning to draw close to the Lord. Bless you. I am putting down your name and will be praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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