Along with many, I’ve lost a lot of amazing people in my life. Loss to death, selfishness, heartache and so many more non-comprehendible aches. I’ve lost my grandmothers, an absolute beauty of an aunt, my very own brother, numerous people I thought were best friends, and the person I thought I’d spend my life with-my first true love (besides Jesus, preach it up). Getting back up after being knocked down so hard, so many times is the challenge I face daily. Thankfully, I have the Creator of the Universe to brush me off and wipe away the tears. People get frustrated at me sometimes because I’ve become somewhat of a live in the moment type of girl. Although it doesn’t seem like the typical me who always has plan for everything laid out, I like it. I like it because it’s started opening doors for my life. Truth be told, we aren’t ever promised a tomorrow, another hour, another second. So how do you want to spend yours?
Do you want to be that person that leaves things unfinished? Do you want to always wonder what could have been in your life? Do you want to regret not opening up your heart and being a part of the world around you? I can tell you that I don’t. I don’t want any of that. If there’s one piece of wisdom I’ve learned from losing so many great people, it’s simple–it’s love.
I’ve learned that love is messy. It’s just a big blob of emotion that rolls around in your heart until your head can’t see straight. And sometimes, love is the deepest hurt we can feel, and that’s when you know it was filled with the most truth. Sometimes, love is staring up at your ceiling choking back tears while you’re listening to the same dark song for the four hundred and eighty second time straight. And sometimes love is letting go of the tears, and feeling the ocean tide wash over your cheeks. Sometimes, the most painful and humbling kind of love is sacrifice. It’s letting go peacefully, allowing someone else to experience what you’ve lived out through them. Allowing someone else to bless them with the love only you can understand. Sometimes, love is goodbye; and sometimes love hurts.
The other side of love is like your very first kiss on those beautiful lips. Love is confident and bold, love harbors no fears or doubts. Love is like looking at him while he concentrates and having to hold back a giggle so you don’t break into his mind. Love is like finding home in his arms wrapping soundly around you. Love is filled with such peace as the silent waves crashing to shore over and over. Love never ceases to exist; once it’s there, it’s always there. An unspoken connection shared now with just a smile and the wink of an eye. Love is sticking it out through it all, the highest of highs and the lowest of the lows. Love is thinking about what it would be like marrying him, talking about marrying him, talking about a family. Love is your head saying it’s still unsure but your heart’s already at the finish line. Love is like nothing else in this world. It’s beautiful, and it should consume your entire world. Love should absolutely change your life, and I promise you it will.
I love to love. I always say it and I hope I can say it for the rest of my life. I love being lost in another person, intoxicated by the emotions they flood my life with. I love holding someone close to my heart, being comfortable being vulnerable. I love finding beauty in the small details written intricately through the world’s scenery. This life is insane, there’s no doubt about it. But if you’ve got love, you’ve got it all. Even better is having someone who loves you back, there’s truly nothing like it.
People keep telling me that I’m indecisive, that I’m confused. Please understand, it’s not that I don’t know what I want. I know what I want. It’s that nobody will ever give it to me or make it happen. I want to be out of this world happy. I want to be cherished. I want to have someone’s heart and attention the way I give mine out. I want someone to truly love, adore, and honor me so much they couldn’t stand seeing me hurt. I want someone to fricking sweep me off my feet and love the crap out of me!! I do deserve it. I have this one heart, this one heart with all of this joy, happiness, and love festering up and its ready to just explode. And nobody makes it worth giving it all to. I want to get married. I want to start and raise a family with someone. I’m ready for that life. I have been for a while. But my other half, whomever he may be (poor soul), he isn’t ready. And sometimes it feels like there is no other half to finally make me whole. Like there’s nobody else on this planet ready to love me back. Ready to take control and be my stinkin person! Nobody can do that! And so apparently it’s just impossible to love me. When are you going to just stop and notice me?
So this is my question: is it you, me, or something else?
I’ve had this feeling for a little bit that it’s me. That there must be something wrong with me to where it just hasn’t worked out by now. I know, I know, I’m still so young. Yes, I’m young, I’m very young. But there should really be no excuse when the opportunities have more than presented themselves to be loved. To be adored, to be to love someone who loves me back so deeply. So it comes down to something else, something I guess I just don’t understand. It could be you. But if it’s you, it’s you like four times over. What are the odds of that one happening? So then what? What else could it be? Why don’t I get to feel as treasured as the person I seek?