It just doesn’t matter anymore, you know? None of it. There’s no point or relevance. Just pain. You hold it all together and you put a mask on. Everything will be okay if you just smile, right? I know in the end it will all work out. I know God has a plan for me, so much better than I could imagine. And I trust Him, just as I know I should. But just as much as I believe in fairytales-and yes, I do believe in fairytales-I believe in sadness. I believe in gallons of chocolate ice cream, dying your hair for the billionth time because something just needs to change, watching every romance movie out there, and tears. As much as I hate it, God do I love to cry. Through the streams running down my face I can see more clearly. I like to feel, even when I hate it, I love it. I like to think God’s just cleansing out the bad, the hurt, the pains that have built themselves up over the past two and a half years. And man has He been doing a lot of cleansing within me lately.
There are a million times I’ve just wanted to get in my car and drive. How freeing I can only imagine that must feel. Not tell anyone where I’m going, not owing anything to a single person on this planet. Just drive; drive far enough away that your memory of me gets fuzzy. Clear my head. Let it all go. Leave it all behind me. One day, I know I’ll finally get up my courage and just do it. The silly thing is I feel it getting closer every day that passes me by.
I find myself assessing my history, my past, a lot. I try to preoccupy my moments so I don’t go stalk myself on facebook. So many memories, so interesting how much this crazy life has thrown at me. How much I guess I’ve just let happen. It’s hard, probably one of the most difficult things. This definitely isn’t my first rodeo, and the same thing happens everytime. I get dark. I shut out the world. Nearly everyone. That tortured girl shoved down into my subconscious peeks her head out. D’ya miss me? I kind of like it, the pain. It lets me explore a side of me that I know is there, all the time, and I just let her be forgotten. I will forever be that twisted soul. I will always feel the deepest levels of hurt because of this. Because of you. Will it ever leave my mind? My heart?
At the same time that I’m drowning in the sadness, I’m mad. I’m so filled with rage about this there aren’t words. Why did I have to go through all of this? I know that’s not something for me to answer, but I can’t get rid of the thoughts. Why do I still sit here, insecure as ever, constantly comparing myself to so many around me? I don’t understand it. I just continuously pray that someday, God will allow someone to wrap their arms around me, and make all of those thoughts disappear. Someone who will love me as God loves me. Someone who will take care of me. Someday.
I’m ready for things to change. I’m ready for things to be different. I’m ready to believe in something better. I tell myself everyday that I’m strong. I tell myself that I’m weak. I tell myself that I’m different. I tell myself that I’m more. Believing it is a whole other story.
Tell me that fairytales do exist. Tell me that I will get my happily ever after. I have to work for it? That’s fine! I’m ready to work for it! Tell me that one day I’ll only feel the happiness, and I’ll put the tears in my pocket. Tell me that one day is sooner rather than later. Tell me that I’m in the home stretch. Tell me that I’m about to cross the finish line. Because I can’ t see it and I need to know. I’m not sure how many more times I can feel the same heart wrenching pain before I become immune to it.
Darling, I’m already numb.