Hard Heart to Handle

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God has made me so unique, I’ve come to realize this. My heart is like no other’s-it’s seen the hurtful days of battle, and pushes all of that hurt out of my head. It’s a heavy realization that can be both a blessing and a curse. I digress..

Curse

Most people that I choose to love, which has been few and far between, can’t handle it. Truly, that’s a hard pill to swallow. When you’re used to giving a friendship or relationship your all, you know nothing else. Nobody will ever ask you to not love them, but they’ll silently beg you to rationalize it. How can you do that? How can you minimize the care you feel in your heart? Some people lack the understanding that there is a difference between being in love, and loving. I try my best to love everyone, because I try to lead my life like Christ. The hard part is trying to change your love towards people to make them comfortable. Should we even try to do that? In my experience, people have loved me through everything in this life. A few have practically suffocated me with their love. Now I see that that love pushed me out of my comfort to get me through the times I couldn’t depend on myself. So maybe that’s my tactic in it all. I see the pain people I care about go through, whether it’s to heal or just how they deal with everyday life.Β Β I am different than a lot of people with the way I cope with the world. I don’t have an escape method-smoking anything, drinking anything, there’s nothing to mask my pain in any sort of numbing. I make myself feel it all. My coping is to write everything my heart feels, to run, to blast angry music and dance in my underwear. Feeling IS my coping to life. I guess, excuse me for trying to show you love through the roughness this world comes with.

Blessing

I have a huge heart, it pretty much wraps around the world and back twice. I love to love people. Even when they don’t deserve it or think that I’m loving them. In secret I’ll always be loving them, because once you love someone truly it will never cease to exist. Aint that just great? And if the amount I love the horrible people is massive, imagine how much my heart craves to explode for the good people, the people I think are “right” to love. I would do just about anything for a select amount of people on this planet. I would go to the ends of the earth for them because that’s in my nature and it’s who I am. What could be the wrong in that, right? Wrong. Only here’s the thing-no, some people clearly lack a handle on that idea, that anyone will just care no matter how much it makes them uncomfortable for a bit. When we lack that love throughout so much of our life, it makes us squeamish when some wild hearted girl comes along and tells you she’s there for you. Not just there for you like all of your old friends who no longer stand beside you, but really truly there for you. And that’s terrifying to you because nobody has ever done that for you before. The thing about God and me though, is that He’s already let me in on the secret of my heart. I’m confident that He has this beautiful plan for my life and my future, and my heart is the thing He has leading me there. Whether or not some people can handle the love my heart bursts with, theΒ one for me will. God has laid it heavily on my heart to love and genuinely care for others, and He will use it to set up my beautiful future. Someday I will fall in love again, eventually I will be married, and my heart will LITERALLY explode the day I am blessed enough to start a beautiful family. So why in the world would I give up hope everytime someone can’t handle my love? The most important person to me can handle all of my love and yours too. It’s a good thing I love God, or my heart wouldn’t be pouring out over the brims.

It’s a good thing my blessings out-weigh my curse.

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